Dre I have worked too hard and I went to school for too long and I took way too much Affirmative Action money. I mean, I may have even taken a scholarship from a Pacific Islander. Okay I did, but I can easily pass for a Samoan.


No, it's like fresh baked bread on my butt.


Dre: I'm giving you the gift of hunger.
Junior: Does it come with a receipt? Because I'd like to return it.

Diane: Why is there a plastic roof all over the food?
Dre: Baby that's a sneeze guard, it's to protect the food.
Jack: From getting into our mouths?

Oh, I get it. They charge you for all you can eat but put out food no one will eat, maniacal!


I think this cow died of natural causes.


Dre: I found a way to save Halloween.
Rainbow: Oh that's great. I found a way to save a guy that was at the bottom of a pool for twenty minutes, but you go.

I saw the light. My entire life flashed before my eyes. I gotta do more.


The family that pranks together, stays together.


Diane had a nightmare and told me about it, and now I'm more scared than she is.


Halloween has always been my favorite holiday, and not just because it lets me show off my killer decorating skills. What? It doesn't look like a John Woo movie when you decorate for Halloween? Ha, you must not be doing it right. But what I love most about Halloween is a Johnson family tradition I like to call pranking the living crap out of each other.


Whoa, Dad actually did it. I owe Pops fifty bucks!