Larry: Excuse me. sir, could you do me a favor? I'm going to dial a number. If a woman answers the phone, just hang up, and if a man answers, hand it back.
Man with Cellphone: Are you putting me on?
Larry: No.
Man with Cellphone: What is this about? What are you...
Larry: I hate my friend's girlfriend. I don't want to talk to her

Cheryl: Larry, please, it's fine. I don't know what you want me to say to you.
Larry: How about, "honey, I forgive you, would you like to have sex?"

My wife jokingly refers to this as "The House that Cum Built"

Gil

Brian: Should you be going to the party with your back? Can you bend over? Can you bend with your back?
Larry: Yeah.
Brian: Well, then maybe you should bend over and kiss my ass, and maybe next time you'll remember to, uh, pick up the fucking golf ball

It doesn't really affect you, does it Larry, the glass on the floor? No, because you're wearing your fucking shoes in my house! When you walk through my door, you play by my rules! You take off your fucking shoes! You and your fucking little soccer shoes in my house!

Gil's Wife

Cheryl: I want to go home, now.
Larry: Maybe we could stop and pick up some Tabasco?

You know what Tabasco's good for? Keep ya hard, only you gotta stick it up your ass

Gil

Larry: I'd like to return this, please.
Sales woman: What seems to be the problem?
Larry: You know, it's kinda of half-jacket, half-shirt; half-man, half-beast.

Shoe Salesman: I am not a shoe whore!
Larry: I didn't accuse you of being a shoe whore!

Mary's Mother: Your wife must be very proud of you.
Larry: No, she's not.
Mary's Mother: She's not?
Larry: Not even a little bit

Everything's "heaven" with him. The comment if he had a piece of gum, "I'm in heaven." Had to taste a chocolate bar, "oh, oh, I'm in heaven." The parking space is "heaven."

Larry [on Ted Danson]

You wear that dress because you want people to look at your shoes, right?

Larry

Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 1 Quotes

Larry: Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?

Cheryl: Well, I think you should write a letter of apology to him.
Larry: "Dear prick, why are you such a prick?"