I know she's probably a bitch, but she's family; that makes her our bitch.

Andrew (<i>about Phyllis</i>)

Bree: You are no longer invited to the funeral.
Phyllis: What?
Reverend Sikes: You're not serious.
Bree: Oh, yes, I am. I am going to hire security. And those security men are going to have sticks and if you so much as set foot in that sanctuary, they will be instructed to beat you with those sticks.
Reverend Sikes: Bree, this is your grief talking.
Bree: Reverend, if you don't back me up on this, so help me, I will pull the funeral out of your church!
Reverend Sikes: Bree!
Bree: I am not kidding. I will go non-denominational so fast, it will make your head spin!

I don't need to take a test. I'm just trying to reassure my husband of what I know is true in my heart. So if you could just slip me someone else's results, I can make my own. I got photoshop for Christmas.

Gabrielle (<i>to nurse</i>)

So you're just not gonna talk to me, is that it? Fine. I don't need to talk. Okay. Yes, I had a little affair. It wasn't the best thing to do, and I'm not proud of it. But it's not the worst thing that could have happened. Nobody died. Oh, don't be such a martyr, Carlos. Okay, it takes two people. How many times did you go off on your little business trips and leave me alone? See, so technically, you cheated, too. It's just your mistress was your work.


(to Parker) I love you, I love your finger painting, but if you touch me with those messy hands, I will cut them off.


John: So what, you don't love me?
Gabrielle: Well, up until the point that you told my husband we were having an affair, I was quite fond of you. Since then, not a fan!

Gabrielle: No, okay. That was a stretch. I'm sorry. Carlos, wait! Come back. Look, I wanna start over. We're gonna have a baby. Isn't that what you always wanted? Carlos, wait! I said I was sorry and I love you! What more do you want?"
Carlos: I want a paternity test.

It had been one year since my suicide and a lot had changed on Wisteria Lane. There were new flowers, new houses and new neighbors, the kind anyone would want living right next door.

Mary Alice

Lynette, hi, it's Bree. I do hope I'm not calling too early. Hmm? Oh, of course you can borrow that scarf. I'll press it for you. Um, I have, uh, some news. Rex died.


It was at that moment it occurred to Ida, God may work in mysterious ways, but he isn't particularly subtle.

Mary Alice

It was an accepted fact among the residents of Wisteria Lane that Ida Greenberg liked her liquor. People had seen her drunk at sewing bees, The Department of Motor Vehicles, and the first Methodist church. Ida had tried to quit drinking many times, but she couldn't. Then one night in a moment of despair, she challenged God to quench her never-ending thirst. Luckily for Ida, God was listening.

Mary Alice

Phyllis: (talking about Rex) I even kept the dirty magazine that he hid under his mattress. He didn't think I knew about it, but I did.
Andrew: Well, looks like dad was into big breasts.
Phyllis: Oh, yes. That's why I was surprised when he married your mother.

Desperate Housewives Season 2 Episode 1 Quotes

Bree: Give me your tie.
Tom: What?
Bree: Give me your tie!
Lynette: Give it to her! Give it to her!

(to Rex's corpse) You look... magnificent.