Susan: Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
Mike: Why?
Susan: I made it, trust me. Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?
Mike: No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese.
Mike: Oh my God. How did you...it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked.
Susan: Yeah, I get that a lot

Julie: Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you've had sex? Are you mad that I asked you that?
Susan: No, I'm just trying to remember.... I don't wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out

Julie: Stop being so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal.
Susan: You're right... So, is that your project for school? You know in 5th grade I made the white house out of sugar cubes.
Julie: Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better.
Susan: Tell me again why I fought for custody of you?
Julie: You were using me to hurt dad.
Susan: Oh, that's right

Susan: I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, he just can't!
Julie: You don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just... having dinner.
[Susan gives her a look]
Julie: You're right. They're doing it

Julie: Mom, why would someone kill themselves?
Susan: Well, sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that's the only way they can solve their problems.
Julie: But Mrs. Young always seemed happy.
Susan: Yeah. But sometimes, people pretend to be one way on the outside, when they're totally different on the inside.
Julie:Oh, you mean like how dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a bitch?
Susan: I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example

Rex: Are we gonna talk about what I said?
Bree: If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled "Chicks" and "Dudes", you are out of your mind

Lynette: Now listen to me, you are going to behave. I will not be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And just so you know that I'm serious, I am. (She pulls out paper)
Porter: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell phone number!
Preston: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that!?

You're the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting she's running for mayor of Stepford.

Andrew

Desperate Housewives Season 1 Episode 1 Quotes

Lynette: Now listen to me, you are going to behave. I will not be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And just so you know that I'm serious, I am. (She pulls out paper)
Porter: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell phone number!
Preston: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that!?

You're the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting she's running for mayor of Stepford.

Andrew