Bree: Hi Danielle. How was school?
Danielle: It was ok.
Bree: Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?

Bree: Well, that's because you just don't love him as much as I do!
Rex: Well, isn't that nice.
Bree: It's just a fact. I'm his mother. He lived inside of me.
Rex: He hung out in your womb for a few months back in the 80s. Since then, I have grown to love him just as much as you!

Gabrielle: Edie, what did you do to that dress?
Edie: Well, I made it audience friendly. Can you tell I'm not wearing any underwear?
Gabrielle: Yes!
Edie: Good

Bree: Well I know that good help is hard to find but stealing a family's nanny is so unseemly!
Lynette: I'm not twisting anyone's arm. If I make a better offer, than why shouldn't a qualified person weave the benefits. So come on. Where can I score some high-grade nanny?

News of the fashion show spread quickly on Wisteria Lane. Though the event was for charity, Gabrielle soon discovered that when it came to the latest fashions, women are seldom charitable. No one knew this better than Edie Britt. She understood that treachery never goes out of style

Mary Alice

Bree: It's just not right.
Rex: What?
Bree: A woman is in a coma, because of Andrew. And there he is, happy as a clam!
Rex: Well, we grounded him, we took away the TV in his room. How many more ways do you want to punish him

Gabrielle was waiting for her next great idea. Her first great idea came when she was fifteen, after her stepfather paid her a late night visit. She bought a bus ticket to New York the very next day. Her next occurred five years later when she decided to seduce a famous fashion photographer. One week later, she began her career as a runway model. Which soon led her to her next great idea. Her decision to marry Carlos Solis. Before she knew it, she had jumped off the runway and moved to the suburbs. Her most recent great idea was born out of her boredom with her new life. That's how she came to start an affair with her teenage gardener, which was cut short by the tragic accident, so once again, Gabrielle was in need of a great idea.

Mary Alice

Nurse: Mrs. Solis, it's time for her sponge bath.
Gabrielle: Come again?
Nurse: Sometimes family members prefer to administer sponge baths themselves.
Gabrielle: I think I'll pass

Martha: What are you doing?
Edie: I am taking back the $40 that you stole out of my purse.
Martha: Edie!
Edie: We both know you did it, now hand it over!
Martha: I have taken nothing from your purse, and if you're missing money, I'd ask one of those strange men you parade through here at all hours.
Edie: I am not going to apologize for having a healthy sex life!
Martha: Healthy? I'm going to have to burn every sheet you've touched

Martha: My idiot husband died and left me with a worthless pension. I was desperate for money. And it's better to take it from a bad person than a good one. How was I supposed to know she'd shoot herself?"
Paul: She was a good person.
Martha: A good person who leaves her child motherless? Read The Bible, Paul. Suicide's a big no-no

Edie: I want my money.
Martha: And I want those non-fat peach yogurts. They didn't just walk out of that fridge by themselves.
Edie: Well you can deduct it from the $40 that you're going to give me, now!
Martha: You're my best friend. Why would I steal from you?
Edie: It's no secret that you've been having financial problems. I hear you bitching on the phone to your bank.
Martha: That's it! I can put up with your debauchery and your food theft, but I will not tolerate spying. I want you out.
Edie: You don't mean that.
Martha: Oh, yes I do. I'm leaving tomorrow to visit my sister for a few days. I want you gone by the time I get back.
Edie: I'll do one better. I will leave today

Susan: Well, so, in your mind, is the date off?
Mike: Well, you snooped around my house and went through my stuff. Uh, yeah, in my book that's pretty much a deal breaker.
Susan: Hold on a minute, now. I started snooping around because I found all that money by accident. And, and then, I found a gun. Are you a drug dealer or something?
Mike: Is that what you think?
Susan: Well, I wouldn't know because you never let me in. You know, there's this whole part of your life that you keep completely walled off.
Mike: I have a gun for protection, I keep cash for emergencies. I'm a good guy, Susan, and you should know that. I'm, I'm not obligated to share every little detail of my life with you.
Susan: Well, every little detail is one thing. You know, weird creepy secrets, that's another.
Mike: You know what, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't trust me.
Susan: Well, maybe we shouldn't be dating.
Mike: Maybe we shouldn't.
Susan: Do you mean that?
Mike: Yeah.
Susan: Well, I hope that your, you know, little secret keeps you warm at night because you're throwing something really great away to protect it!

Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes

Lynette: Now listen to me, you are going to behave. I will not be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And just so you know that I'm serious, I am. (She pulls out paper)
Porter: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell phone number!
Preston: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that!?

You're the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting she's running for mayor of Stepford.