There is a widely read book that tells us everyone is a sinner. Of course, not everyone feels guilt over the bad things they do. But Bree Van De Kamp did. In fact, Bree had spent most of her life feeling guilty. As a child, she felt guilty about not getting straight A's. As a teenager she felt guilty about letting her boyfriend go to second base. As a newly-wed, she felt guilty about taking three weeks to get out her thank you cards. But she knew the transgressions of her past were nothing compared with the sin she was about to commit

Mary Alice

Julie: Mom, if you've really need something to freak out about, just remember you're going to spend the night with Mike at a hotel. No man has seen you naked in years, except your doctor.
Susan: Yeah, he retired. I try not take that personally

Father Crowley: Gabrielle, the Church is pretty clear about this. If you commit a mortal sin and you die without repenting, you go to hell.
Gabrielle: Aren't you just a ball of fun? So, if I confess, it will clean the slate, right?
Father Crowley: Not only that, if you want God's forgiveness, you have to be truly sorry and you have to promise not to commit the sin again.
Gabrielle: So what happens if I repent later? Like, say, when I'm 75?
Father Crowley: I wouldn't recommend waiting. What if you die before then?
Gabrielle: Well, let's say I don't die? I do yoga, I eat well. If I wait, does my repenting still count?
Father Crowley: If you mean it, yes.
Gabrielle: Thank you, Father Crowley. You have been a tremendous comfort. Um, I will let you do your thing.
Father Crowley: Gabrielle. You know we are all responsible for the choices we make. Don't you wanna be a good person?
Gabrielle: What I want is to be happy.
Father Crowley: That's the answer of a selfish child.
Gabrielle: I know

Gabrielle: Before we got married we made a deal. No kids.
Carlos: Deals are meant to be re-negotiated.
Gabrielle: Well, we're not negotiating my uterus

John: You're so jealous of Danielle you try to ship her off to New York?
Gabrielle: I'm not jealous, I just don't like to share

Gabrielle: I have a problem with you seeing other girls.
John: Well, I have a problem with you having a husband. I guess we'll both have to learn to deal

Gabrielle: Well, as it turns out, Pershing Modeling Academy has an opening for their summer program. Would you like me to sponsor you?
Danielle: Would I? Oh my god, that's like one of the best schools in the country! You would do that for me?
Gabrielle: I sure would.
Danielle: I would so love to go to New York.
Gabrielle: Oh, and I would so love to help you get there

Edie: For the record, I was rooting for you to land him.
Susan: And why would you root for me?
Edie: Well, I figured it would be easier for me to steal Mike from you than her - she seems like fun!

Edie: Hey, how was your big date?
Susan: Mike had to reschedule.
Edie: Oh. Because of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? Gosh how devastating for you

Julie: Mom, you're getting too dressed up.
Susan: I know, but I wanna look really sexy.
Julie: I told Mike I expect him to have you home by eleven.
Susan: Hmm. How about midnight?
Julie: All right, but no later. You know how I worry. So, you, uh, got protection?
Susan: Oh my god. We are so not having this conversation.
Julie: We are because I enjoy being an only child.
Susan: Are you finished?
Julie: Almost. You know, I always assumed I would have sex for the first time before you would have it again.
Susan: Okay, you can leave now

Competition. It means different things to different people. In Suburbia, it means keeping up with the Jones's. On Wisteria Lane, that means keeping up with Bree Van de Kamp. Everyone knew Bree had the nicest lawn in the neighborhood. And no one begrudged her this. No one, that is, except Martha Huber, whose own lawn paled in comparison. No matter how carefully she trimmed...or how lovingly she watered...or how generously she fertilized...the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence

Mary Alice

Woman: So, what did everybody think?
Lynette: I thought the character of Madame Bovary was ... very inspirational.
Woman: Inspirational? She poisons herself with arsenic.
Lynette: Really?
Woman: You didn't read until the end?
Lynette: I stopped after page 50.
Woman: Am I the only one who read the book?
Susan: I saw the movie. It was really good.
Woman: Ladies! I'm sorry, but wh-wh-what is the point of having a book club if we don't read the book?

Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes

Lynette: Now listen to me, you are going to behave. I will not be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And just so you know that I'm serious, I am. (She pulls out paper)
Porter: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell phone number!
Preston: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that!?

You're the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting she's running for mayor of Stepford.