Bree: Okay. So what's our control word?
Rex: Well, lately I've been using Philadelphia. What's wrong?
Bree: Well it's just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I don't want to be thinking about her while I'm spanking you with a leather strap.
Rex: Okay. Fine. You pick a control word.
Bree: Um, how about Boise?
Rex: Boise?
Bree: What's the matter with Boise?
Rex: We're going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like Boise would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious.
Bree: Hmm. How about Palestine?
Rex: Boise will be just fine

Most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from God. Most mothers would also tell you that the gifts their children give them are less than heavenly. Lynette had suffered through art work made in kindergarten, spice racks made in summer camp, and jewelry made at the scout jamboree. But this day, Lynette Scavo received a gift every mother dreams of. One she wasn't embarrassed to display. Lynette knew she'd cherish the memory of that moment for the rest of her life. The memory of that moment was ruined the very next day. Yes, most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from God. Most mothers will also tell you there are some days when you wish you could return them

Mary Alice

Gabrielle: That's the difference between you and me, Yao Lin, our dreams. Close your eyes, please. Thank you. You see I dreamed of pulling myself up from nothing, and I did. I dreamed about the things I wanted and I got them all: a high powered career, a handsome husband, an extravagant house. So, this is just a blip in the radar for me, because now, I know what I'm capable of and if I did it once, I can do it again. I'm never really down, Yao Lin, even when it looks like I am. So, enjoy this moment, enjoy your dream, because for you, it doesn't get any better then this

Preston: We don't want to get spanked.
Porter: Yeah, we promise we'll be good.
Lynette: Too late, you stole and then you lied. Even worse, you made me look bad in front of Mrs. McCluskey, who you know is mommy's sworn enemy. Time to pick your poison. How 'bout a belt? It's a classic... Well, we could go with the old hickory stick. It's a cliche, but it's pretty effective. I know, we'll go with the spatula. The holes give it less wind resistance; moves faster.
Scavo kids: No! No! No! No!
Lynette: Guys, guys, guys, hey my hands are tied. Thieves get spanked. Just the way it works. Unless...
Porter: Unless what?
Lynette: For a first time offense, if you swear, cross your heart, that you will never, never steal again, and you write Mrs. McCluskey a letter of apology, I will let it slide.
Scavo kids: Okay! Yeh! We swear! Yeh! We swear!
Lynette: Alright, start with Dear Mrs. McCluskey.
Porter: Mommy, why are you smiling?
Lynette: Do you know what physiological warfare means?
Porter: No.
Lynette: Well, too bad for you

Yao Lin: The only reason you have anything in your life is because you're pretty. One: day you'll be old, and when that happens you'll be nothing.
Gabrielle: You are so fired.
Yao Lin: No kidding

Lynette: Are you sure you didn't misplace it? No offense, but you're getting up there in the years.
Mrs. McCluskey: No offense, but you should be sterilized

Dr. Goldfine: How could this reconciliation work if you can't be open to each other?
Bree: We're WASPs, Dr. Goldfine. Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best

Gabrielle: What opportunity is more important than college?
John: For the longest time, the only thing I had to offer you was my heart. Mr. Solis gave you security and I couldn't compete. But now even he can't offer you that. And I can. My business is taking off. I can take care of you. We can finally be together. Mrs. Solis, will you marry me?

Rex: What do you say Bree, do we send the vultures home?
Bree: I want to keep the club membership. Rex is terrible at tennis and hates buffets

Paul: We need to talk about these things that you think you remember. They're not true.
Zach: How can they not be true?
Paul: Memories lie, Zach. You didn't kill anyone. Dana is very much alive

Sooner or later, the time comes when we all must become responsible adults, and learn to give up what we want, so we can choose to do what is right. Of course, a lifetime of responsibility isn't always easy, and as the years go on, it's a burden that can become too heavy for some to bear. But still we try to do what is best, what is good; not only for ourselves, but for those we love. -Zach and Julie interlude-. Yes, sooner or later, we must all become responsible adults. No one knows this better than the young

Mary Alice Young

Gabrielle: Obviously I'm not leaving my husband and marrying John.
Bob Rowland: I think that's wise

Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes

Lynette: Now listen to me, you are going to behave. I will not be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And just so you know that I'm serious, I am. (She pulls out paper)
Porter: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell phone number!
Preston: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that!?

You're the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting she's running for mayor of Stepford.