Edie: I'm not talking about Martha. I'm grateful to you.
Susan: Me?
Edie: Yeah, I've been such a bitch to you over the years, and here you are, rowing me out to dump her ashes.
Susan: Well, it's, it's really no, no big deal.
Edie: Yes, it is. You stepped up when nobody else would. And here I am, thinking you have an ulterior motive. God, Susan, you're such a good person. And I'm such a bitch!
Susan: Well, Edie, you're not that bad, and, and, and believe me, I'm, I'm not that good.
Edie: Oh, yes you are.
Susan: Oh, please don't do this.
Edie: Martha may be gone, but the good Lord above has shown me that I'm not alone

Felicia: Look at them all. Vultures. Pretending to care when all they really want are the sordid details.
Police Chief: I don't know, I think they just want to show their support.
Felicia: Please. Human beings feed on misery

George: He cheated on you. You said you were going to hate him forever.
Bree: You shouldn't listen to a woman who's just had her heart broken. We tend to lie

Martha Huber waited her whole life for something to happen to her, something exciting. As a child, she hoped to be kidnapped by a band of pirates. As a teenager, she dreamt of being discovered by a Hollywood talent scout. As a young woman, she fantasized that a handsome millionaire would sweep her off her feet. But the years had flown by, and still, nothing exciting had ever happened to Martha Huber. Until the night she was murdered. In those last moments, it occurred to her, in addition to being boring, life could also be very cruel. Luckily for Mrs. Huber, death was far more merciful

Mary Alice

Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief. My sister, Martha, would have been so touched. I know that many of you have questions. I've just spoken with the police who are still putting together the details of what happened. What they do know is, Martha died a violent death. Yes, I know. It's hard to hear. Apparently, there was a struggle. They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs, which leads us to believe that she was still alive at the time of her burial, and probably in great pain. But the good news is, there are no signs that she had been molested. Now, I think it's time that you return to your homes, to your loved ones. Oh, in lieu of a memorial service, I'll be holding an estate sale the day after tomorrow. Please, no personal checks


Rex: Look at you... going out?
Bree: Not that it's any of your business, but I have a date.
Rex: A date... what kind of date?
Bree: Rex, I don't want to say anything that might upset you. The doctor said any more stress could cause another heart attack... It's a romantic date with a single, attractive man and I intend to French the hell out of him

Edie: You know, I can only imagine how worried you must be.
Felicia: I'm not worried, Edie. Martha and I had a very intense bond. We were connected at the most primal level, and a few days ago, I felt this sensation in my soul. That's when it first dawned on me that something had happened to my sister. And when she didn't arrive at my home as scheduled, well, that's when I knew she was dead.
Edie: Oh, honey, no! You mustn't think like that! Martha's only missing!
Felicia: No, Edie, she's dead. But she's my sister, and I'm going to find out exactly what happened to her.
Edie: Look, Felicia, it's natural to freak out when a loved one is missing.
Felicia: Loved one? Oh, Edie, let me be clear about this. I hated Martha. She was a wretched pig of a woman and the day she died, this world became a better place

Paul: I just wanted you to know that everyone on Wisteria Lane is praying for your sister's safe return.
Felicia: Oh, I seriously doubt that

George: It was nice talking with you, Dr. Van de Kamp.
Rex: Please, you're dating my wife! Call me Rex!

Andrew: Knew what? Well come on, tell me! Because I'd love to know what my father did that was so awful!
Bree: Fine. I will see him through this, but after that, your father can rot in hell for all I care!
Danielle: We're not like other families, are we?
Andrew: No. We're not

Rex: So you didn't tell them about...
Bree: Your adultery? No. I decided to keep that little gem all to myself

You want to see how long I can hold a grudge? Go ahead and abandon my father, because I promise you, you'll be sorry


Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes

Lynette: Now listen to me, you are going to behave. I will not be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And just so you know that I'm serious, I am. (She pulls out paper)
Porter: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell phone number!
Preston: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that!?

You're the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting she's running for mayor of Stepford.