Carlos: I want a child. Any child!
Gabrielle: Fine, just know that in a couple of days when that thing is born, you're gonna have to snuggle up with something with THAT face on it don't come crying to me.

I've read the Constitution, and it does not protect ugly people!

Gabrielle

Dr Ron: You committed insurance fraud??
Susan: Only in the legal sense....

Karl: So how did you get out of that one?
Susan: Well I lied and told him I didn't know a Mike
Karl: Everyone knows a Mike...

Susan: I need you to ditch Edie tomorrow night and have dinner with Dr. Ron and me....
Karl: Now why would I do that?
Susan: Well for starters because you banged your secretary and you owe me for the rest of your life...!
Karl: I'll bring the wine...

Susan: I don't even know a Mike...
Dr Ron: Everyone knows a Mike!
Susan: Yes you're right...everyone does know a Mike...

Susan: I think I have to break up with Dr. Ron.
Lynette: What?! Why?!
Susan: Because he's a gem, and apparently he loves me.
Lynette: I'm sorry, I'm not following.

Carlos: This is the first time I ever thought you wanted to have a baby.
Gabrielle: Well, this is the first time anyone said I couldn't have one.

(To Felicia) How did you know I like macaroons?

Paul

(to Mike) Dr. Ron just bought her the biggest bouquet of roses you've ever seen... It was disgusting... Note that went with it made my teeth hurt it was so saccharine and he used words like soul-mate and eternity... I almost puked in the vase!

Karl

Let's cut this bitch open!

Dr. Ron

(to Susan) Who am I to cast stones? I mean heck... I didn't pass my nurses exam.... They didn't even ask me!

Nurse Heisel

Desperate Housewives Season 2 Quotes

Xiao-mei: Here, taste this.
Carlos: Oh, man! Xiao-mei, that is amazing.
Xiao-mei: You like?
Carlos: Oh, yeah. Sorry if I'm making a mess.
Xiao-mei: It's okay. Mu Shu Pork. Supposed to be messy.
Carlos:I wish Gabrielle could cook like this. Have you ever tried her enchiladas?
Xiao-mei:One time they make me sick.

Matthew: Mom. Look, I know you're out there. Please, just talk to me. Mom, I need something to drink. Just some water, some juice, something, anything, please. (bangs on the door) Mom! You want me to say I set Caleb up. Yeah, I did it. I started thinking about all those years, years that we had to take care of him and I just thought maybe once he was gone, we could have a normal life. And I'm sorry. But Mom, you have got to let me out of here, now!
(Betty gets up. With a crowbar, she bangs on the door.)
Betty: You! You were willing to stand by and let me murder your brother without reason. It's an unforgivable betrayal! I am so consumed with rage, it's best you stay in there because if I let you out, I don't know what I might do to you!