Carlos: I want a child. Any child!
Gabrielle: Fine, just know that in a couple of days when that thing is born, you're gonna have to snuggle up with something with THAT face on it don't come crying to me.

I've read the Constitution, and it does not protect ugly people!

Gabrielle

Dr Ron: You committed insurance fraud??
Susan: Only in the legal sense....

Karl: So how did you get out of that one?
Susan: Well I lied and told him I didn't know a Mike
Karl: Everyone knows a Mike...

Susan: I need you to ditch Edie tomorrow night and have dinner with Dr. Ron and me....
Karl: Now why would I do that?
Susan: Well for starters because you banged your secretary and you owe me for the rest of your life...!
Karl: I'll bring the wine...

Susan: I don't even know a Mike...
Dr Ron: Everyone knows a Mike!
Susan: Yes you're right...everyone does know a Mike...

Susan: I think I have to break up with Dr. Ron.
Lynette: What?! Why?!
Susan: Because he's a gem, and apparently he loves me.
Lynette: I'm sorry, I'm not following.

Carlos: This is the first time I ever thought you wanted to have a baby.
Gabrielle: Well, this is the first time anyone said I couldn't have one.

(To Felicia) How did you know I like macaroons?

Paul

(to Mike) Dr. Ron just bought her the biggest bouquet of roses you've ever seen... It was disgusting... Note that went with it made my teeth hurt it was so saccharine and he used words like soul-mate and eternity... I almost puked in the vase!

Karl

Let's cut this bitch open!

Dr. Ron

(to Susan) Who am I to cast stones? I mean heck... I didn't pass my nurses exam.... They didn't even ask me!

Nurse Heisel

Desperate Housewives Season 2 Quotes

Bree: Andrew, don't you have a meet at the swim club?
Andrew: Yeah. So?
Bree: Doesn't it require a large entrance fee? One that you can't afford by yourself?
Andrew: Are you blackmailing me into coming into dinner?
Bree: Oh, you don't know the lengths I'd go to for even seating.

Carlos: Hey, babe. Why you home so early?
Gabrielle: Oh, honey! Oh, you're not dead!
Carlos: Who said I was dead?
Garielle: The police. They called me.
Carlos: What are you talking about?
Gabrielle: Honey, they didn't know all the details, but a witness said that they saw you run into the carpool lane to pick up a lawn chair that had fallen off some truck, and then a bus hit you right in front of the road crew. Why aren't you at the road crew?