Desperate Housewives Season 3 Quotes
Gabrielle: What are you two doing here?
Susan: Uh, what are we doing here?
Lynette: Well, Edie hired me to cater, so it's just business. I don't know what her excuse is.
Susan: You are so dead.
Man: It's my car! She tripped me and grabbed my keys.
Police officer: Is this true, Ma'am?
Susan: Oh alright, take his side!
Gabrielle: So here's what's gonna happen. We're not talking to Edie anymore.
Lynette: What do you mean we?
Gabrielle: I mean we as in she betrayed me and you're my best friends so you're gonna support me because that's what friends do.
Susan: And support you, means acting like we're in junior high?
Julie: There are only two guys in this world who know all your flaws and have still found a way to love you. You're just gonna toss them both away?
Susan: Yes. I don't need a man. I don't even need sex. I went without it the first sixteen years (Julie gives her a look)twenty-two years of my life, and I can go a few more.
Susan: Look, Ian is going to come and invite you to dinner for Friday and you are not, I repeat, not going to accept.
Mike: Why is Ian inviting me to dinner?
Susan: He wants to thank you for saving us and he wants to show that he's not jealous of you. How's that for irony?
Mike: I didn't plan to kiss you but you didn't exacly resist.
Susan: I was in shock.
Mike: Why were you so upset when you mentioned Ian?
Susan: Because we just had a fight. About you.
Mike: Really? (smugly) Talk about me a lot?
Susan: Mike, I am marrying Ian. We have hired a caterer, we are going with the salmon so just back off.
(Mike sees Ian coming over to them)
Mike: Hey Ian.
Susan: Hi Ian. I just asked Mike, he can't make it.
Mike: Yeah, I'm sorry, I've got plans tonight.
Ian: Ah. But didn't we say Friday?
Mike: Friday? Oh, Friday I'm wide open.
Mike: What, he didn't tell you how we played poker for you?
Susan: You bet me in a game of poker?
Ian: It's not--not how it sounds. I merely suggested that--that if I won the hand, then he--he would stop badgering you.
Susan: And if he won?
Ian: Well, I--I forget the exact terms, but the point is, he lost, as I knew he would. I never would have wagered you if I didn't have a very good hand.
Susan: Get out!
Ian: Susan, please.
Mike: You heard her.
Susan: That goes for you, too. I've had it with both of you. You're tugging at me like I'm some kind of wishbone.
Ian: You're just upset.
Susan: No, I am beyond upset. You two want a decision? Well, here's what I decide. There will be no kissing, and there will be no wedding, and there will be no damn cake!
Carlos: Hey, I didn't say we had to stop. I just said we had to be quiet.
Edie: What? I suppose we should tiptoe around like schoolchildren so our parents don't catch us doing it? I feel like I'm 12 again.
Carlos: I'm just saying, I don't think that the whole world needs to know our..(Realizing what Edie just said) 12?
(Maggie is talking to Susan about wedding cakes)
Maggie: So, which one do you like the best?
(Instead of the cakes, Susan eyes Ian and Mike)
Susan: Wow. It's kinda hard to decide.
Maggie: Well, that depends on what you are looking for. Rich and elegant? Or down to earth and sweet?
Susan: I don't know.
Mike: You wanna taste them again?
Susan: No! I know what they taste like! I'm just torn, okay?
Ian: There's no reason to get upset. It's just a cake.
Susan: It's not just a cake! It's a major decision!
Maggie: Well, hey, if you like them both so much why don't you just have two cakes?
Susan:(speaking in a high pitch voice)
How would that look? Oh, hey, everybody! Here's my wedding cake! Oh, and what's that over there? That's my other wedding cake! I have to pick and I will! So just stop pressuring me okay?!
Mrs. McCluskey: I don't really need to go the hospital. I'm fine.
Blond Man: You've fractured a rib and you might have a concussion. You need looking after.
Mrs. McCluskey: Some of the stuff in my freezer might melt. How about I just run out and get some ice and then meet you at the hospital.
Blond Man: Ma'm, you can replace groceries.
Mrs. McCluskey: You don't understand, some of my groceries have sentimental value.
Blond Man: Sorry.
Mrs. McCluskey: Well, I don't need to ask your permission.
Blond Man: Ma'm, no!
Mrs. McCluskey: Get your hands of me, you pig ape!
Blond Man: Get the restraints
Mrs. McCluskey: I'm gonna sue your ass.
(The power and the lights go back on)
Mrs. McCluskey: Well, what are we waiting for? Get me to the hospital, I'm not a well woman.
Russell catches Edie and Carlos in bed together.
Russell: Well, I see you can't close a sale without opening something else.
Edie: Oh, please, I heard about your open house on Holly Drive, they're still disinfecting the Jacuzzi.
Russell: Slut!
Edie: Bitch!
(Lights are out)
Susan: You know, I don't believe we need a flashlight, my eyes have totally adjusted for the dark.
(sound of glass breaking)
Ian: What was that?
Susan: Don't walk in the kitchen!
Victor: I want you to organize a press conference and then I want you to help me prep for it.
Assistant: This is gonna be a bloodbath, I don't know how you're gonna prep.
Victor: Just give me a bucket of piranhas, I'll stick my head in it.
