It's OK. Whatever it is, God forgives.


Kristen: Earlier tonight, I was on my way to kill him.
David: No you weren't. [Kristen uncovers the pickax]
Kristen: Can you hear confessions, David, right after you're ordained?
David: I can. Do you have something to confess?

Sister Andrea: This is a map of 60 demonic houses. All houses of Satan going back 60 decades.
David: OK.
Sister Andrea: They're like family crests, and each house needs to ensure its line of succession before the master of one house dies, he must guarantee a successor.
David: How does he or she do that?
Sister Andrea: He needs to be consumed, eaten.

Sister Andrea: This is from last week.
David: What was that?
Sister Andrea: A tail.
David: Oh my God. Why am I doing this? I wanted things to be normal! This is crazy!
Sister Andrea: No, David. Normal life is crazy. This is how things really are! [David grabs the booze and leaves]

Ben: Tell me, how do you plan to handle this whole celibacy thing?
David: [chuckles] Delicately. [sexual vision]

Renee: Can I ask you something, David? Are you doing this for yourself or for my sister?
David: Both.
Renee: Make sure you're doing it for yourself, only for yourself. The life is too hard.

Gregory: Do you know why there's no infestation in abandoned houses?
Ben: Because there's no one there to notice them.

Go get ordained.


David: You don't think they'll ask why I want to be a priest?
Sister Andrea: This isn't a cruise director interview; this determines whether you'll be ordained or not. It's a given you want to be a priest. Or is it?

David: Sister, when did you take your vows?
Sister Andrea: When I was 19. Why?
David: And you never wanted a family or children?
Sister Andrea: This isn't helpful.
David: Sister, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing to spend my whole life without a wife, without children, to be alone? Are you... alone?
Sister Andrea: No. I didn't want children.
David: But?
Sister Andrea: There was a man who fell in love with me... Look, David. I have a gift like you have a gift. A door has been opened up to us, and it comes with some responsibility. But when you're in Plato's cave and you break the restraints and you turn to the light, you can't go back.

So you leave the church instead of trying to change it.


Really. Who would you rather be, the man with burning rods stuck up his ass or the man putting them there?

Bishop Jim

EVIL Quotes

Santa got high, now everything is funny. Someone had a gummy, he thought he might try. His mouth is so dry, his teeth are kind of itchy. How’d he ever get so high? Ho ho ho, just the taste of a yummy gummy. Ho ho ho, yummy yum in my rummy tummy. Ho ho ho, gummy gum, tummy, funny gummy. Oh god everybody knows.

Pudsy’s Christmas

Acosta: The Church has a backlog of about 500,000 requests for exorcisms and miracle appraisals, and my colleague Ben and I are hired by the Church to investigate unexplained phenomenon and recommend whether there should be an exorcism or further research.
Kristen: I didn’t know that was a job.
Acosta: It is.