Hey, I'm not just a poorly-cleaned butt. There's a whole man around man around that you have to please.

Peter

No, Swanson, you're too close to the case! I'm putting Officers Grant and Casey on it, because they're so far from the case they don't care about it at all!

Police Chief

Peter: I can't believe we lost the talent show! What'd we do wrong?
Chris: Well, I think I can shed a little light on that. You guys were so baked, you didn't sound anywhere near as good as you thought you were. I was in the audience.

You're not supposed to admire wheelchair people. You're supposed to feel sorry for them

Peter

If I gave you a sandwich, could you get Chris to fart on it?

Herbert

Policeman: You were going sixty-five fella, that's ten miles over the... Why are you holding that infant's hand?
Stewie: We met on the internet.
Brian: Shut up!
Stewie: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.
Brian: Officer, you ever hear of that super-industrial adhesive?
[The policeman turns to show another policeman stuck on his back]
Second Policeman: Actually, yes, we have

[the Ku Klux Klan are chasing Peter and Cleveland]
Peter: Holy crap, do you see what I see?
Cleveland: I'm afraid I do.
Peter: We're being chased by ghosts!

Diane, I'm standing outside the Park Barrington Hotel because they don't allow Asians inside

Tricia Takanawa

I discovered a much more precious element. I discovered dad-mium.

Elijah Wood

Herbert: You like popsicles?
Chris: Well, sure!
Herbert: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of popsicles. Mmmmm.
Chris: No, thanks. I gotta get going.
Herbert: Oh, don't make me beg now.
Chris: Hahaha! You're funny. Bye.
[Chris pedals away on his bike]
Herbert: Get your fat ass back here

Theme to My Black Son
(sung)This time around,
I'm stayin' at home,
And things are gonna get better.
Settlin' in,
Lovin' My Wife,
But then I got that letter.
My black son, My black son,
Now each day my heart is gettin' bigger!
Don't even remember sleepin' with that lady but I did.
My black son, He's comin' to stay.
My black son, He's makin' each day
The best that he can!
(spoken) Also, he's a ninja.

I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went so we couldn't go.

Peter

Family Guy Quotes

You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!

Stewie

How the hell am I going to break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's going to blame me!

Peter