Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 5 Episode 15: "Boys Do Cry" Quotes
(snores) "18% approval ratings"... How'd you like 18% of my foot up your ass?
Dick Chaney
Brian: Can you believe that cashier's accent? "Would you like some change for you?"
Stewie: If it weren't for 9/11, they'd be adorable!
(Brian and Stewie hid in a bathroom)
Brian: We need some way of changing your appearance!
Stewie: I feel like Britney Spears. I'm standing in urine and I hate the person I'm with.
Chris: Are you sure Aunt Carol won't mind us using her house?
Lois: She won't care Chris. She's off on her ninth honeymoon.
Peter: (laughing) When will it work for her?
Brian: Well, we got lucky. How you holding up Stewie?
Stewie: (in female clothing) Ummm, I feel right Brian. I feel right.
Lois: Ah, it is so good to be home. Ya know, I wanted us to live in a place with real family values, but values don't come from where you live or who your friends are. They come from inside, from your own beliefs.
Peter: I agree Lois. Like for instance, If you're watching a TV show, and you decide to take your values from that, you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves. (pauses, looks to the camera) Yeah.
Police Officer: Pardon me sir, we're trying to locate a possessed child. (shows picture of Stewie) Have you seen any one who looks like this?
Peter: Yeah, that's my son. He's actually in the mini-market right now, he'll be out in a second. (Lois elbows him.) Uh, uh, uh, uh, I mean, I mean, no, no. Never seen him before.
Police Officer: Hmm... what was that first thing you said?
Peter: Oh I was just saying that baby in the picture is my son. He's traveling with us. He's part of our family. We're trying to avoid being found by police like you. (Lois elbows him again.) Uh, uh, uh, I mean, I was just... reminding what a nice tie you have on.
Police Officer: I... love... this tie. Oh right, you folks take care now.
Don't worry Lois. We'll hide in the one place they can't find us... (closes eyes) in imagination land, where you burp where you fart and you fart where you burp. (Cuts to scene where Peter is sitting on a chair. He lifts up his leg and burps and then opens his mouth and farts.) Haha, indeed, that's how it happens.
Peter
Ah sweet! We are out of here! Now I can do what I planned to do this morning. Gladiator mice! (Cuts to scene where Peter is on the sofa with only his underwear on watching two mice in armor do battle on the floor.) (excited) Hahahaha! Yes! Yes! Die! Die! Die! I have everything and you have nothing!
Peter
Lois: And lately, this family has been lacking moral fiber, especially you Meg. (Cuts to scene where Meg and Stewie are in living room.)
Lois: Meg! What happened to you?
Stewie: (Sad tone) She can't answer you. She can't even talk. Ever since she started smoking pot, she just kinda lays there. It's really sad. (Happy tone) And a tiny bit funny. Oh my God, I think I'm getting a contact high! (sags like Meg.) Uh, now I'm messed up too.
Lois: Well, I got good news. I'm going to be the Church's new organist. (Both Brian and Meg talk simultaneously.)
Brian: Hey, hey, congrats.
Meg: Wow mom, that's great.
Chris: That means you'll play the organ.
(reading a sign on Church door that says "Organist Wanted.") Huh-huh, all right! (Runs inside Church, unzips pants, gets slapped) Ahh. (comes back outside) Why do you say organist if you don't want... I don't understand the world anymore.
Quagmire
