Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 5 Episode 16: "No Chris Left Behind" Quotes
Lois: Meg and I have been working at nights.
(scene cuts to Meg and Lois in an alley dressed as hookers. Car pulls over)
Man: I'll take the one in the right.
Lois: (opens the car's door ) Well, once again, Meg, I'll be back in an hour.
Peter: Chris, I would give you a hug, but I'm exhausted for working two jobs for paying your scholarship. I've been selling buttscratchers-BUTTSCRATCHER! ( shows Lois a tiny hand on a stick )
Lois: No, Peter.
Peter: BUTTSCRATCHER! ( shows buttscratcher to Lois again )
Lois: Peter, no!
Peter: BUTTSCRATCHER! ( shows buttscratcher to Lois once again )
Lois: NO!
Peter: ( sad ) Buttscratcher...
Israel. The brand new country everyones gonna love.
</i> Lois
(Peter rings Quagmire at the ballet)
Quagmire: Hello?
Peter: Hey, Quagmire.
Quagmire: Hey, Peter. Whats up?
Peter: I'm stuck at the stupid ballet.
Quagmire: Get out of here! You serious? So am I.
Peter: What?
Quagmire: Yeah, I got dragged here by this broad I'm trying to nail.
Peter: Where are you sitting?
Quagmire: Look across at the other balcony. I can see you.
Peter: Oh my God, we're both here! What do we do, what do we do?
Quagmire: Oh my God, we should text each other. Hang up, Hang up.
(Peter's phone vibrates, he reads the text)
Peter: Heheheheheheh
(Peter texts Quagmire back, Quagmire reads it)
Quagmire: HA!!
(When at the ballet)
Brian: Boy, this is gonna be long. So, ah, you kids develop any pot connections at your school yet?
Chris: Huh?
Meg: Yeah.
Brian: Ah. Lois, Meg's just gonna take me outside to poop.
(Stewie follows Chris while playing his funny beat on his tuba)
Chris: Cut it out!
(Stewie keeps playing)
Chris: I'm just trying to live my life!
(Stewie keeps playing)
Chris: No one taught me about carbs!
(Chris trips, Stewie makes a flatulence sound)
Stewie: I got a job following fat people around with a tuba.
(cuts to scene of Stewie plays a funny beat while following a fat man)
Fat Man: Stop it!
(Stewie keeps playing)
Fat Man: Cut it out!
(Stewie keeps playing)
Fat Man: I have a glandular problem!
(the fat man trips and Stewie makes a flatulence sound)
Stewie: That'll be sixty dollars.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Sorry Master Herbert.
Herbert: Sorry? You better get your ass in that closet Pewterschmidt.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Yes sir. (walks to the closet)
Herbert: I am so tired of you.
Chris, welcome to the Skull and Bones Society. This is where the most powerful men in the world are groomed for their futures. Every president, every CEO, every douchebag named Ryan Seacrest.
Carter Pewterschmidt
Yes, I shall attend this institution. Perhaps one day I can be more powerful than King Friday. (Scene to where Stewie becomes King Friday.) I am the supreme ruler of the neighborhood of make believe. All will kneel before my... (Trolley comes by and rings bell.) Oh, come on! What kind of freaking king lives next to the tracks? What is this, Mexico?
Stewie
Principal: I suppose there is one thing I could do to raise the school's test average.
Lois: Then do it!
Principal: Oh right, we'll drop the dumbest student we have. Chris Griffin is hereby expelled!
Chris: But if I leave now, I won't hear who is the dumbest kid in school.
Lois: They cut our school's funding if it's got low test scores? This is not what the founding fathers had in mind. (Cuts to scene to signing of Declaration of Independence.)
Man On Podium: Okay, we're here to sign this declaration of our independence. Let's take roll call first. Thomas Jefferson?
Thomas Jefferson: Here.
Man on Podium: Benjamin Franklin?
Benjamin Franklin: Here.
Man on Podium: John Footpenis?
John Hancock: It's Hancock now.
Man on Podium: Why?
John Hancock: Mind your business, that's why.
