Brian: I mean I was having fun, making new friends, getting laid all the time, sleeping like a rock - but you made the call. You unilaterally decided I was better off a bitter alcoholic failure who could only hang out with a baby.
Stewie: Hey! We have fun.

• Permalink: Hey! We have fun.
• Added: January 11, 2015

Stewie: I've been approaching this far too intelligently. He's an idiot, so this shouldn't be hard at all! Hey Brian, you want to go see Doctor Hartman and get that procedure where you get two weiners?
Brian: Whoa, hell yeah! That way when I watch Black Swan, I can aim one at that Natalie Portman, and aim the other one at -
Stewie: Yes, yes, yes, we all know who the other one was.

• Permalink: Yes, yes, yes, we all know who the other one was
• Added: January 11, 2015

I forgot Yelp was a weapon for dumb people, you taught me something today Brian.

Stewie

• Permalink: I forgot Yelp was a weapon for dumb people, you taught me something today Brian.
• Added: January 11, 2015

Stewie: Because right now, you're about as useless as Black Widow is to the Avengers.
Captain America: So what's your superpower again?
Black Widow: I can kick.
Captain America: Right…so, uh, who else here can kick? Hulk stop being nice.

• Permalink: Right…so, uh, who else here can kick? Hulk stop being nice.
• Added: January 11, 2015

Chris: Mom, is dad gonna die?
Lois: Well Brian's the one with the brain tumor.

• Permalink: Well Brian's the one with the brain tumor.
• Added: January 11, 2015

Brian: Winning!
Peter: Haha, remember somebody said that?

• Permalink: Haha, remember somebody said that?
• Added: January 11, 2015

Lois: Doctor, do you think the brain tumor could have anything to do with Brian's recent behavior?
Doctor: Hmm, I haven't heard of brains being linked to behavior, but I suppose anything's possible.

• Permalink: Hmm, I haven't heard of brains being linked to behavior, but I suppose anything's possible.
• Added: January 11, 2015

Doctor: I did a CAT scan
Peter: On a dog, haha.
Doctor: Haha, we laughed about that too.

• Permalink: Haha, we laughed about that too.
• Added: January 11, 2015

Doesn't it make more sense…to kill her?

Peter

• Permalink: Doesn't it make more sense…to kill her?
• Added: January 11, 2015

Brian: Bazinga!
Peter: Haha, like what the guy scientist says. Brian, say something else from TV!
Brian: Watchu talkin bout Willis!?

• Permalink: Watchu talkin bout Willis!?
• Added: January 11, 2015

A huge part of being an idiot is calling people out for thinking they're better than you.

Peter

• Permalink: A huge part of being an idiot is calling people out for thinking they're better than you.
• Added: January 11, 2015

Peter: You want a beer?
Brian: Peter, it's 11 AM.
Peter: If the clock ain't digital, you don't know that!

• Permalink: If the clock ain't digital, you don't know that!
• Added: January 11, 2015