Diane Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet-case.
Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news, we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane

• Permalink: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet-c...
• Added: September 29, 2009

You know, mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you"

Stewie

• Permalink: You know, mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Haye...
• Added: September 29, 2009

Meg: I don't get it, mom, if you're so mad at dad for wrecking your show, why did you come to opening night?
Lois: I came because I love the theater. I mean, if I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle of his is ridiculed by everyone in town, what kind of person would I be?
Chris: A bitch

• Permalink: I don't get it, mom, if you're so mad at dad for wrecking your s...
• Added: September 29, 2009

What am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put 'em in a tub and clean myself with them? Cause that's what soap is for, Lois

Peter

• Permalink: What am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put 'em in a t...
• Added: September 29, 2009

Peter: Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea for the big christmas toy gets a huge bonus!
Chris: Why don't you invent the frisbee, dad? That's an awesome toy!
Meg: The frisbee's already been invented.
Chris: Then how come I've never heard of it?

• Permalink: Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea for the big ch...
• Added: September 29, 2009