Max: What do you want!?
Peter: Financial advice.
Max:'d you know I was an accountant?
Peter: Helllllooooooooooo, Max WEINSTEIN!!!

Peter: Lois, this is my new friend Max Weinstein! He's Jewish!
Lois: Ooooooooh, how exotic!

Rabbi: Mr. Griffin, why does your son want to become Jewish?
Peter: I dunno...he's bi-curious

You're the white version of a black guy that's not good with his money


Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology


Look sir, I have reviewed this contract, and it offers no coverage at all. It just says "Valcano Insurance" over and over again... and down here in small print it says "He's signing it, He's signing it. I can't believe it."


Cleveland: Peter, not all Jewish people are good with money.
Peter: Well, I guess not the retarded ones, but why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland, there's "edgey", and then there's "offensive."

Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat
Chris: I want a new hat
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!

Peter: Hey, is the Count a Vampire?
Brian: What's that?
Peter: Well he's got these big fangs. Have they ever shown him doin' somebody in and then feedin' on em?
Brian: You're, you're asking me if they've ever done a Seseme Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance
Peter: Yeah
Brian: No, they've never done that

Tom, you're so far in the closet, you're finding Christmas presents

Little Diane

Why don't you two make like Siamese twins and split... and then one of you die.


Well, we promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt


Family Guy Season 3 Quotes

Brian: So I see you got a new receptionist. Nice little body on her, huh?
Therapist: That's my daughter.
Brian: Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh?

Rehab Counselor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister