Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 4 Quotes
Peter: Hey, everybody, Meg just had her first period!
Joe: Peter, shut up! It's 3 in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell's going on out here?
Quagmire: Dammit! People are trying to sleep!
Peter: I'm just saying she's a woman! Yay!
Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now I'm exhausted!
Peter: Gee, Mr. Pewterschmidt, you sure could use some fine strapping young men like us on your schooner.
Carter: Are you saying I'm gay?
Peter: What? Are you sure you don't want more seamen on your poop deck?
Meg: Dad, how can you be okay with Mom parading herself around like that? I mean, she's half-naked! It makes all women look bad.
Peter: Meg... who let you back in the house?
Hey, who's workin' on a puzzle? 'Cuz I just found a hot piece
Peter [walks into The Drunken Clam with Lois]
Adam West [on the phone]: Damnit, Swanson, I want them found!
Joe: Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins, we just don't have any leads.
Adam West: Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"...or is it? Who am I? What number did you dial? Don't ever call here again! [hangs up] I guess I told him...nobody messes with Adam We.
Lois: I'm gonna go get some oranges, Stewie. Here, hold this bag for Mommy.
Stewie: Oh, what brilliant parenting, Lois, leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know, I just might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson! [attempts to put bag on his head, but fails because it's too large] Here I go, just like that boy from INXS. I'm going to do it...I'm going to do it... [quits] Blast! Good lord, woman, either I was a C-section, or you're Wonder Woman.
Lois: ...like there was a secret hole in me.
Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois: And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things.
Quagmire: Oh Gaaawwwd!
Lois: And I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.
Quagmire: Oh GAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWD!
Lois: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to just lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
I haven't seen one female baby since we got here. This place is a sausage fest.
Stewie
Peter, Peter! There's so much doodie in here.. I can't take it anymore.... I haven't eaten in four days cause... I just can't fit anymore in there. Help me.
Stewie
Meg: Finally! Look Mom I've had it. I'm not babysitting anymore. It's Saturday night I could be out having a life.
Lois: Meg, if you don't wanna baby-sit anymore that's fine, but don't you stand there and lie to me.
Peter: OH-HO Meg, she torched your ass man! She torched your ass
Peter: Hey Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors?
Mort: Peter, are you eating those?
Peter: No, I'm shoving 'em up my butt. Of course I'm eating 'em!
Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow!" Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!
Stewie [to Jeremy, the babysitter's boyfriend]