Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 5 Quotes
Peter:(after learning Meg is his driver) Lois, this is the best you could do?
Lois: Well, it was either Meg or a talking monkey smoking a cigar, but I didn't think you'd like that.
Monkey: I've already accepted another job.
Peter: Lois, you picked the opposite thing that I would like.
Monkey: That's okay. I would have driven you bananas.
Peter: Oh, oh. And he makes jokes. Nice going, Lois.
Stewie: Thanks for the lift, Bandit. Good look tapping that hot... hot... Sally Field tail....
Bandit: Shut up, I don't like it anymore then you do!
(Meg tells Brian about her backup for the dance and how he already had plans)(scene cuts to Meg at the front of Jimmy's door)Meg: Hi Jimmy, umm I heard you didn't have a date to the dance and I was wondering if you would like to go with me..Jimmy: Oh....uhhh...I...uhh....h-hang on..(runs inside and closes the door)(two gun shots are heard firing in the house)Jimmy: (reopening door, crying) I'd love to go Meg, but.. (sniffs) .. I have to go to my little brother's funeral that night..
(Giraffe crashes into Cleveland's house, and his bathtub slides out the hole in the wall) What the hell? No no no no no! I got to stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.
Cleveland
Sorry, that was the booze not you. (pauses) You going to eat that?
Brian
Tom Tucker: Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. What are you making, Ollie?
Ollie: Eggo!
Peter: All right boys, the best targets are old, rich people. There's one now. Go get him.
(Group of boys surround Herbert)
Herbert: Oh no, there's no police here to help me! I hope you don't find the money strapped to my thigh.
Oh, good morning honey. That feels really good. What... ? Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here.
</i> Quagmire
(Telephone rings)
Brian: Hello? Oh hey Jillian, what's up?
Jillian: Brian, are you coming over to watch Laguna Beach tonight?
Brian: Uh, what time does it start?
Jillian: Ten o'clock, Eastern and Specific Time.
Brian: What? What did you say? Specific Time? Don't you mean Pacific Time?
Jillian: No I think it's called Specific Time. They mean it starts specifically at 10:00.
(Stewie laughing)
Brian: Stewie, are you on the line?
Stewie: Yes.
Brian: Jillian, I'll talk to you later.
Brian: Aw, I'm sure you'll find someone to go with you.
Meg: No I won't. I'm so fat and gross.
Brian: Aw...
Meg: I should just kill myself.
Brian: Aw... That's... come on.
Meg: I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna kill myself 'cause no one will go with me.
(runs to kitchen)
Brian: Aw...
(Meg opens drawer and rummages for a knife)
Meg, stop it. Come on.
(Meg takes out a knife)
All right, all right. Meg, look...
Brian: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie: Excuse me?
Meg: Brian, let's just go.
Brian: No, no, no, no, no. Now hang on... hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're going to be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your step-dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?
(Connie cries and runs)
Lois: Oh Brian, it is so nice of you to take Meg to this dance. It really means a lot to her.
Brian: Ya got any weed?
Lois: I put it in your coat pocket.
