Brian: What's it called?
Stewie "Susie".
Brian: [sarcastically] Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.
Stewie: [annoyed] Name twenty!
Brian: "Rosanna", "Roxanne", "Michelle", "Allison", "Sarah", "Angie", "Brandy", "Mandy", "Gloria", "Cecilia", "Maggie May", "Jessica", "Nancy", "Barbara Ann", "Billie Jean", "Layla", "Lola", "Polly", "Helena", "Jenny from the Block".
Stewie: Name six more.
Brian: "Sherry", "Laura", "Wendy", "Maria", "Peggy Sue", "Minnie the Moocher".
Stewie: Name five more.
Brian: "Tracy", "Jean", "Jane", "Mary Ann", "Eleanor Rigby".
[Short pause; Stewie then throws his guitar on the floor and walks out]
Stewie: Go fuck yourself.

Tom: We're now down to our final two competitors: Peter Griffin and Omar North Tower. Omar, you'll be going first. Your word is "coagulate".
Omar: C-O-A-G-A...
[Buzzer sounds]
Tom: Ooh! I'm sorry, Omar! [mutters under his breath] Bet you could spell "box cutter".
Omar: I'm nine years old, and I'm Indian! Ugh!

Tom: Okay, our next spelling bee contestant is Omar Mahajar-ifaah... something September 11thy. All right, Omar, your word is "candy".
Omar: Candy. C-A-N-D-Y. Candy.
Tom: That's correct. Our next contestant is Peter Griffin.
[Peter comes up to the microphone]
Tom: Peter, your word is "tree".
Peter: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Tom: There is a tree by the lake.
Peter: Huh. Can you use it in a dirty sentence?
Tom: I like to bring transient hookers to the old oak tree where I asphixiate myself at the same time I'm watching them have sex with each other.
Peter: T-R-E-E. Tree.
Tom: Correct!

Stewie: Hey, New Brian. Oh, I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool Hwhip.
[Stewie doesn't get a reaction from New Brian.]
Stewie: Everything's better with Cool Hwhip.
[Still no reaction.]
Stewie: Did you hear what I said?
New Brian: Yeah, what about it?
Stewie: It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? "Cool Hwhip?"
New Brian: No, why would it?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip. I'm putting emphasis on the H.
New Brian: Sounds right to me.
Stewie: Nothing ever bothers you, does it?
New Brian: No, not really. I like everything.
Stewie: God, he's a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington.
[Camera widens to reveals Buzz Killington sitting on a recliner next to Stewie and New Brian]
Killington: Stewie, do you know why W. S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings?
Stewie: No...
Killington: Because he was quartered on the port-side! [chuckles] Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company.

Movie references.

Chris

[disappointedly] You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes ya feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah. You're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changin'. I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

Peter

Lois: Here's a little tip: If your instinct tells ya to do somethin', don't do it. If your instinct tells ya not to do somethin', IT'S PROBABLY THE RIGHT THING TO DO!!

"The young soldier fart his brother looked at each other. Fart both knew that with love, fart truth, fart courage, they would both emerge "stfarting" on their feet." [frowns, then undoes everything] Ugh, that one didn't work.

Stewie

I'm gonna take Brian's novel and replace every use of the word "and" with the word "fart".

Stewie

Hitler: These filth are making a mockery of our Reich! Execute them! [the solders cock their guns, ready to shoot them, but Hitler interrupts them] Unless...
Brian: Unless what?
Hitler: Unless they can sing a charming musical number.
[Stewie and Brian smile at each other as music starts playing. A pair of hats and canes are tossed at them]
Stewie & Brian: Whenever-
Mort: [stands on the return pad] Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?!

Stewie: All right, Brian, we'll go. But don't touch anything while we're there. Even stepping on a mosquito can cause a chain reaction that drastically alters the present.
Brian: Really?
Stewie: Nah. You can do whatever you want.

Peter: You seem like a nice guy. Why don'tcha come over to my house for dinner tonight?
Jesus: Okay. But I don't get off 'til 7:00.
Peter: Great! We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin callin' Moviefone.
[cut to said clip]
Moviefone: Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.
Matlin: The Last Mimzy.
Moviefone: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.
Matlin: [impatiently] The Last Mimzy.
Moviefone: You have selected 300. If this is the movie you'd like to see, say yes now.
Matlin: No!
Moviefone: You have confirmed 300.

Family Guy Season 7 Quotes

[disappointedly] You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes ya feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah. You're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changin'. I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

Peter

[when he has an orgasm with Carolyn] Wait. Wait! Wait!! OHHHH!!! And boom goes the dynamite.

Cleveland