Futurama Season 2 Episode 6: "Brannigan, Begin Again" Quotes
Leela: OK, crew, listen up. Your job is to delivery these 40 pillows to that hotel.
Bender: They're not very heavy but you don't hear me not complaining.
Leela: They're not heavy in here because we have an anti-grav pump. But once you get out on the surface the gravity will be very intense.
Fry: Hey, no prob', this lead apron'll protect me.
Kif: I've computed out landing co-ordinates, Captain.
Leela: Thanks, Kif. Very nice work.
Kif: Wait, what?
Leela: I said "very nice work".
Kif: This is the happiest day of my life.
Here's to us poor schmoes working for the man. Even if he is a hot, sexy, female man.
Zapp
Zapp: So, this Leela. I know she's a very sensuous woman but what manner of captain is she?
Fry: She's really strict.
Bender: And mean.
Zapp: I see. Does she by any chance give the crewmembers spankings?
Fry: No, she just makes us do work and stuff.
Zapp: Good, good. But should she ever institute some sort of bare-bottom spanking policy, let me go in your place. I won't have my comrades harmed.
Bender: Hey, this guy's alright!
Farnsworth: I'd like everyone to meet our new employees. Which ones are new?
Hermes: The green dude and the fat man.
Farnsworth: Hmm, I could swear I've never seen that robot before either.
Bender: I'm Bender. You know? The lovable rascal.
Farnsworth: Oh, yes, yes. My good friend, of course. Anyway, whoever you all are, I have good news. You'll be making a delivery to Stumbos 4, a planet with such high gravity you'll most likely be crushed under the weight of your own hair. Enjoy!
Farnsworth: Leela, who are you talking to?
Zapp: Just a broken-down hobo who's hit rock-bottom. And his commanding officer.
Farnsworth: Why, you're that disgraced starship captain. Having him on staff will distract people from our horrendous safety record. Come in.
Zapp: One day a man has everything, the next day he blows up a $400 billion space station and the next day he has nothing. It makes you think.
Kif: No, it doesn't.
Glab: Zapp Brannigan, you are hereby stripped of your rank as captain and dismissed from the DOOP.
Zapp: I'd like to make one final statement. Kif, c'mere and hold up the flag... And wave it a little, for God's sakes. My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honour. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault.
Kif: What?
Glab: Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank and dishonourably discharged.
Zapp: I'd like to cross-examine the witness.
Glab: I'm going to allow this.
Zapp: We've met before have we not?
Leela: Yes.
Zapp: And on that occasion, did you have sex with someone? May I remind you you are still under oath.
Leela: Yes.
Zapp: Please point out the person in this courtroom you had sex with. (Leela points to Zapp) And his name is?
Leela: Zapp Brannigan.
Zapp: The very same Zapp Brannigan who did not blow up DOOP headquarters. I rest my case.
Glab: The evidence against Zapp Brannigan is strong. However, in light of his years of service, and the incompetence of this hillbilly prosecutor, I'm afraid I must dismiss all charges.
Leela: Dismiss all charges? Your Honour, I know the case is closed and you've rendered your verdict, but I wanna testify.
Glab: I'm going to allow this.
Hyper-Chicken: Now, Miss Leela, on the date in question, were you or were you not wearing a hoop skirt?
Leela: That's a stupid question. What matters is Zapp Brannigan is the sorriest captain I've ever seen, and I saw the idiot blow up DOOP headquarters with my own eye.
Glab: Zapp Brannigan, you stand accused of blowing up DOOP headquarters. How do you plead?
Zapp: Absolutely 99% not guilty.
Glab: And now, to cut the ribbon, the legendary DOOP captain who just returned from a triumphant carpet-bombing of Eden 7, Zapp Brannigan.
Zapp: What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?
Kif: Um, sir, you're supposed to be cutting the ribbon right now.
Zapp: No matter. I'll simply cut it from here with the ships laser.
Kif: Sir, I don't think that's wise.
Zapp: Kif, if there's one thing I don't need it's your I-don't-think-that's-wise attitude.
