Don't you fucking say my name. I'm peeing.


I've never had an abortion! Check my medical records.


Doug: He commands their attention. It's almost Hitler-esque.
Clyde: I wonder how Ellis Gage matches up in the world domination and Jew killing.
Marty: Jew killing.

Jeannie: After I told you that I was carrying your baby, I kinda can't believe you have no reaction.
Marty: This is my reaction.

Roscoe: Shut the fuck up Dad!
Marty: Hey.
Rocoe: Stop trying to do damage control. The damage is done. Congratulations. Okay. Your narcissim wins again.
Marty: Okay. Okay.
Roscoe: It's bigger than all of us.
Marty: Listen, I was trying to find the right way to tell you. I didn't want it just blurted out.
Roscoe: You don't get to control how the world happens for me anymore.

Clyde: Did you mean to say you are a crazy country?
Marty: That's auto correct. But the word's still there. If she read it out loud, she'll get it.

Marty: When are you going to rape and pillage my company?
Denna: I'd rather stick to raping and pillaging you.
Marty: Boo, don't threaten me with a good time.

Clyde: You know when Mommy and Daddy fight, it hurts me in my no no place.
Doug: Your dick!

When baby goes poopie, we're supposed to make a big fuss.


Ellis: Marty, I'm not going to beg.
Marty: Then I can get back to my book.

Jeannie: I will give you a big, fat juicy blow job if you would just shut the fuck up and stop being such a whiny bitch about it.
Clyde: Okay, so I'm a whiny little bitch?
Jeannie: Yeah, whiny little bitches look at you and say "ew, what a whiny little bitch."
Clyde: Fuck you!
Jeannie: Fuck you!

You're a dishonest person Jeannie. And I get dishonesty. I mean, I do of course. But yours doesn't seem to have an off switch. Now I may end up drowning but it's not going to be because of you.


House of Lies Quotes

Hey Dad, want me to teach you how to Dougie?


That woman can do more in bed than any post-menopausal woman has any right to be able to do.