Wilson: Your biological father is a minister?
House: Natural selection is not an infallible force.

If you're gonna be this way, I'm not gonna invite you to my baptism.


Read chapter 6. Entitled "Shut the Hell Up."


Giving House a computer is like giving plutonium to Dr. No.


Sometimes it's easier to open up to people who aren't looking at you.


Please don't define my entire gender based on one night.


House: I can't find my pornos.
Wilson: Have you tried offering a reward?

You have some natural talent as a liar. But not enough brains to see it through.

House [to a speed dater]

House: I find out what's wrong with people and I fix it.
Speed dater? Don't all doctors do that?
House: Yeah. But they can't dance like I can!

Chase: I'm not that good looking.
House: Yeah, you are.
Wilson: You kind of are.

Connections are for airports.


Your odds of a happy ending are nearly as good as staying home and watching porn.


House Season 6 Episode 14 Quotes

Wilson: Who rents porn anymore? Can't you get this stuff on the Internet?
House: You can. But you can't get the director's cut.

Wilson: What are you doing tonight?
House: Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking.