Lee: (thinking) I never thought I'd be praying for a brain tumor, but please, dear God.
House: If you're praying in there, stop it right now.

She's the smart one. I just keep Dark and Darker to fill out the quota.

That's my diagnostics posse. Hot, Dark, and Darker.

Molly: I don't know how God is going to get us through this. But He will.
House: Stop it, I'm blushing.

Hey, genius. I think it violates certain ethical laws to rip the organs out of a guy who's still alive. Certain law laws, too.

Kutner: You really lost all that money?
Taub: I don't care about the money. I just feel bad for Rachel.
Kutner: She married a guy in one situation and ended up with another. That's hard on anyone.
Taub: Thanks. Makes me feel much better hearing my wife's a gold digger.

Morgan: I don't smoke.
House: Fine. You don't want the seventh graders to think you're cool.

House: The cat was not predicting deaths. It was just trying to keep warm.
Dr. Wilson: Yes, dead people are renowned for their warm glow.

Morgan: I had colds all winter.
House: Well, I've been in this room a while, but it's spring now, right?

Dr. Cuddy: I told you to get rid of "death cat."
House: Do you see a cat?
Dr. Cuddy: I see a litter box.
(House grabs his cane)
House: This is a disability, Dr. Cuddy. Can't make it to the men's room on time.
Dr. Cuddy: You pee on the mice too?
House: Well, now you see the mice actually prove that I don't have a cat.
Dr. Cuddy: Are these... are these the genetically modified lab mice from oncology?
House: Genetically modified for tastiness.

Dr. Wilson: I'm not always nice. I'm not nice to you.
House: Because you know nice bores me. Hence, still nice.

Dr. Cuddy: How's the patient?
Nick: Whoa. I would do here in a minute with fudge and a cherry on top. Would someone please explain to this women? There's only so many apologies I can...
Thirteen: He has frontal lobe disinhibition.
Nick: I've already embarrassed myself with one doctor. Who, I am at this moment imagining with you, in a king-size bed with a mirror on the ceiling... I am so, so sorry. (to Cuddy) But if I couldn't have both of you together, you would definitely be my first choice.
Dr. Cuddy: Where's House?
Nick: Like trying not to think of an elephant. Not that you're an elephant. Your breasts in fact are all homo sapiens.
Dr. Foreman: House isn't here.
Dr. Cuddy: Oh, he wouldn't have paged me if he couldn't watch and enjoy this.

House Season 5 Quotes

House: If I wanted gifts, I would just look deep into my patients' eyes and act like you. "Oh, I'm so sorry you're dying, Mrs. Moron. Of course I'll sleep with you. What I lack in skill, I can make up for in..."
Dr. Wilson: You'd just wind up insulting her. Perhaps calling her "Mrs. Moron."

House: You talked to Wilson.
Taub: He has very girly handwriting, by the way.