How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 19: "Mary the Paralegal" Quotes
Ted: Look, I shouldn't go.
Marshall: You should definitely go, look, it's a chance to show her you are still friends and that you support her.
Barney: Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter, or even better, triple threat, hotter and bigger boobs!
Ted: That's only two.
Barney: Count again!!
Barney: Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.
Marshall: You really think that's true?
Barney: Oh yea, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers, like, an extra fish for putting out.
Marshall: Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You've been lawyered!
Dude your views on professional fornicators are harshing my mellow
Barney
Mary, Ted is a great guy. You hold on to him, don't let him out of your sights. For a minute.
Robin
Mary [Whispering to Ted]: You know that scene in Empire when they lower that helmet onto Darth Vader's head? [pointing at Sandy Rivers] Do you think that is how Sandy puts his hair on in the morning?
Ted: You just insulted someone I hate by referencing something that I love. Damn you just got even hotter
Ted: Hey.
Robin: Hey. Mary seems nice. Have you kissed her yet? Or are you waiting until you are in a serious relationship with someone else?
Barney: That's adorable Ted. You're such a hayseed. The companionship business is the growth industry of the 21st century. You do realize that 1 out of every 8 adult women in America is a prostitute.
Marshall: Dude you just made that up.
Barney: Withdrawn.
Marshall: Lawyered!
You know, Barney, for anyone else, this would be a new low but sadly for you, it's just a new middle
Lily
Ted: I feel like Richard Gere.
Mary: You're not shy about your looks, are you?
Barney: Do it! Come on Ted, do it! It's one of those things you have to do before you turn 30.
Ted: What? Sleep with a prostitute?
Barney: No, lose your virginity! What Up!
Ted: So Sandy, what do you do? Oh, wait, I know what you do. You're the guy who reads the paper in the morning.
Sandy Rivers: You got me. What do you do, Ted?
Ted: Oh same thing as you. I read the paper every morning. But then after that, I finish my coffee and go to my real job as an architect, where I make an actual contribution to the world. I'm just kidding. Love your show. You're terrific.
Sandy Rivers: Thanks. I never tire of hearing that
Ted: I should just skip this thing entirely. Robin is still pissed at me after, you know.
Barney: You lied and said you were broken up with Victoria before you actually were, so you could try and nail Robin and you end up losing both girls in one night.
Ted: Yes, that's what I meant by "you know".