How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Quotes
I've done so much good today, I've got, like, a "soul boner"
Barney
[about his community service]
Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church.
Ted: You peed on a church?
Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see, because I was drunk!
Barney: Okay, Ted. I found a way for you to help someone, to do some good. This is Walter. Walter is homeless. And Walter would like a lap dance.
Ted: Are you joking?
Barney: I never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment
Lily: On Monday I'm going to have to tell my kindergarten class, who I tell not to run with scissors, how my fiancé ran me through with a broadsword.
Marshall: Technically, it didn't go all the way through.
Lily: I'm sorry, were we having a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me?
Marshall: I stabbed Lily, I stabbed my fiancee.
Ted: Come on Marshall, do you really think she's still your fiancee?
You know what the dating world needs? A "Lemon Law"
Barney
You need to mark your territory, and I don't mean missing the toilet
Barney
OK, a toast. Life is full of changes. One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings. But the important stuff doesn't change. To the important stuff
Lily
Lily: He's not cool with me moving in.
Marshall: No, that's not it. I mean, you basically lived here all along. Ted loves you.
Lily: So, what's he PMSing about?
Lily: Man, Ted's been acting weird. He started labeling all his food. He even carved "Ted" into that block of cheese.
Marshall: Yeah. Well, now it's Ed's
Ted: They're edging me out. They're totally edging me out. I didn't believe it but you're right.
Barney: Told you. That Lily, she's a shrewd one.
Robin: Yeah, she got you a nice new coffeemaker. How dare she!
Marshall: Also Lily's coffeemaker doesn't, you know, shock you.
Ted: No. You gotta admit, that shock, wakes you up in the morning
Marshall: You know what else wakes you up in the morning? Coffee