Mike: Would you rather be polite and uncomfortable or rude and comfortable?
Jen: Can’t you be polite and comfortable?
Mike: Being polite so often requires you to care about what other people are doing and feeling. Being comfortable, sometimes you just do what you want, and other people just deal with it.
Jen: I think I get it. So, if I wanted to be comfortable, I would say, football sucks, soccer rules and I do all my shopping online.
Mike: Sure! Origami is boring, playing football with your feet is stupid, and tea is for old women.
Jen: So, for now on I should just act the way I want and not worry about being polite?
Mike: Yeah. Do whatever you want to do until I say don’t. That is the way it works around here.

Jen: I don’t know much about American football.
Mike: That is about to change, sit down. It’s still the first quarter, and we’re playing the Chargers. The guys in the white helmets with the little lightning bolt, we don’t like them. You got any questions; you just fire them out.
Jen: Why do they wear their face masks? Is that, so they don’t bite each other?
Mike: I don’t know.
Jen: They use their hands much more than they use their feet. Why isn’t it called handball?
Mike: I don’t know.
Jen: Mr. Baxter does it help your team when you wear their blouses?
Mike: They’re actually called jerseys. You know what? We should just watch the game and ask questions at the end.

Chuck: Hey Ed.
Ed: My brother!
Chuck: What is happening?
Ed: I have great news, and I want to share it with one of my people. Chuck, I am black.
Chuck: Wow, Ed that DNA report.
Ed: Has changed my life! Look at this I am 37.5% West African. My people were traced to what is now Nigeria. Where are your people from Chuck?
Chuck: St. Louis. Ed, don’t you find it a little hard to believe you’re black?
Ed: No, this answers everything. You see my father always seems like he was keeping a secret. But now that I know what it was, I finally feel close to him, this is a blessing.
Chuck: Oh God!

Kyle: Hey guys. I am headed home. I just wanted to see how everybody is doing.
Ed: The world is turned upside down Kyle. It turns out I am not black.
Kyle: I am shocked that somebody would mess with your DNA. We’re not scientists.
Ed: You knew!
Kyle: I am sorry Mr. Alzate. I wanted to tell you, but you kept saying you were done listening to the man.
Chuck: I am sorry too Ed, and if it makes you feel any better, it is not easy being a black man in Denver or anywhere.
Ed: Well then, I guess I am back to being Basque.
Kyle: Hey, being Basque is great sir. The history, the traditions, the soup!
Ed: Well that is true. There is one more good thing about being Basque. We can’t be fooled.
Chuck: Uh oh!
Ed: Yeah, turns out Beverly gave me the real test results before you found my report. I am 82% Basque and 100% too smart for you idiots.

Mandy: Here is what we know. The Leadville killer was never found, and Mr. Alzate is the Leadville killer.
Kyle: Woah, we don't know that.
Mandy: He fits the profile. We can place him in the area of the killings, and he won't talk about his time there. That evidence is not just circumcisional.
Kyle: So, what are you saying?
Mandy: I am saying, it may be time to go to the police.
Kyle: Oh no! I will drop dead twice before I rat out Mr. A to Johnny Law and that is detective speak for no way.
Mandy: Wait, so you wouldn't turn Ed in even if he killed all those people?
Kyle: He has been like a father to me. Although, I did turn my father in. But he was like a stranger to me.

Mike: We're not our dads. You're not your dad.
Ryan: Yeah, I know that alright. But when it comes to being a father, the only thing I know for certain is what not to do.
Mike: I get it. You should do what I did, just go with your instincts. Follow your instincts. As far as being a parent is concerned, and that is about it, you are pretty spot on.
Ryan: Wow, a rare compliment.
Mike: I thought it would feel bad, but actually I feel like I drank a Slurpee too fast.

Ryan: Look when you take Boyd for the weekend, it takes me a week to deprogram all the fascist ideas you teach him.
Mike: Well, then why did you want me to go fishing with him?
Ryan: Because you also teach him things that I can't. Okay. And he thinks you are the greatest. And it drives me crazy.
Mike: I love every single thing you just said.

Mandy: This is so exciting! I still think it was the football coach. He left the high school at 4:00 and went to the bank. The second victim was found on a river bank. Coincidence?
Kyle: You know I think it was the town butcher. I mean, for one thing, he was the town butcher!
Mandy: What about those four John Doe's? Clearly, they are related.

Mike: How did you do this?
Vanessa: Well, when all the kids decided to stay and help decorate, I called Eve and convinced her to hop on the bus.
Eve: Yeah, which sounded horrible, so I took an Uber.
Mike: Wait a minute. You took an Uber?
Eve: Yeah, you owe me $111.

Mike: I want people looking for a place to apply their unique skills.
Ed: You talking about veterans? These people?
Mike. Yes, and I am looking for someone who knows these people's specific skill set so we can match them to the correct position. Ed, we need you.
Ed: I would say you are just being nice, but we both know that is not your strong suit.

Ed: What are you doing here?
Mike: After your little performance at work, I thought I would stop by and find out why you hated my gift?
Ed: I didn't hate it. I loved it. Best gift I ever got.
Mike: And the Oscar goes to anybody else. Come on, why did you hate it?
Ed: Alright, alright. I didn't like it. You know who gets streets name after them? Dead guys!
Mike: This is why I gave it to you this year and not next year.
Ed: It made me realize my career at Outdoor Man is really over.
Mike: Do you also realize you can come back to work any time you wanted?
Ed: When a man wakes up in the morning he needs to realize he has a purpose. See, I am not needed at Outdoor Man. I realize that now, thanks to you.
Mike: It doesn't sound like you are very grateful.
Ed: I actually am. I need to look forward Mikey, not backward.

Mandy: Kyle and I have plans tonight.
Mike: You're not going to help us decorate the fire hazard?
Vanessa: They are being cultured Mike. They are going to the Nutcracker with Kristin and Ryan.
Kyle: Yeah, I have never been to the ballet. I can't believe they get to wear slippers at work.
Mike: Well buckle up. It is three hours of people dancing and occasionally prancing.

Last Man Standing Quotes

Mike: How are you doing?
Ryan: I am good. You actually made me realize it is time to get serious and stop being a victim and take some control over my life.
Mike: See, you just needed a little push.
Ryan: So I am moving the family to Canada.
Vanessa: You're moving to Canada?
Ryan: Look I know it is kind of sudden, so please try not to overreact.
Vanessa: You're ripping my grandbaby from my arms!

Kyle: I am trying to DVR my favorite TV show but it is not on.
Vanessa: Oh, well maybe it got canceled. The TV business can be heartless.
Kyle: It didn't get canceled. Why would they cancel a popular TV show that everybody loves?
Mike: Maybe they're a bunch of idiots. Just try another channel.
Vanessa: Oh Mike, they don't just take a show off of one network and put it on another.
Kyle: Hey there it is! You were right Mr. B.
Mike: Is it me or is it way better on this network?