Female Anchor: That's right. Statistics show that New Year's Eve is when people are most likely to commit suicide. More than 500 New Yorkers are expected to take their own lives tonight, especially those who are spending New Year's Eve by themselves.
Male Anchor: All by themselves.
Female Anchor: With no one by your body.
Male Anchor: Go ahead and put that gun in your mouth.

Funnyman, listen up. We're taking the kids down to Mexico to see your abuelita. We're staying at the Casa Grande Hotel. It's got a heated pool, hot wings on tap. Now I got you a first class ticket out of that left wing Kennedy Airport and you must come, I will not take 'no' for an answer.


"Sh*t on my father's balls. Sh*t."

Tune in every night, folks. It's the Crying Cleaning Lady show!


You know what your problem is? You're just a... pencil... penis... parade

Tell the truth. You're scared. You're a rookie. You're like some kid at a talent show with a number pinned to his shirt.

Dahl [To Louie]

Now, have you ever had experience being funny?

Dahl [To Louie]

Just because you like to hang out in your underwear on your couch doesn't mean the United States of America wants to see it.

Jack Dahl

Well you know, you're the hip guy, the cool guy. That used to be me. But then you gotta do 14 minutes a night, every single night. Nobody's hip every single night.

Jay Leno

Sent here? What are you, a letter? Nobody sent you.

Jack Dahl

In 10 years, you're gonna be teaching comedy at a community college and you'll be falling asleep to the Late Show... with Jerry Seinfeld. You're circling failure in a rapidly declining orbit.

Garry Marshall

Shit... there's not even enough time to jerk off.

Louie Quotes

That's young nervous penis. When you're 24 and single, your penis is like the young, nervous guy in the World War II movie in the foxhole. Any sound your penis hears, it's like, 'WHAT WAS THAT?!? LET'S GO! LET'S GO LET'S GO! I'm married in my 50s. My penis is relaxed. My penis is sitting in the chair, smoking a pipe, reading the paper. My penis is like Bing Crosby. It hears a noise it's like 'I think I heard a noise, could be a hand, could be a vagina, bub bub bub.


This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and my dad hung himself in front of me, while masturbating.