Just don't clean here ever again.

Louie [after Housekeeping calls despite do not disturb sign]

They're all the same. They're all made from the same Asian suffering. There's no difference

Louie [on getting the best machine]

You have to do research. You have to go on Amazon and read a really long review written by an insane person... who's been dead for months because he shot his wife and then himself after explaining to you that the remote is counterintuitive. It's got really small buttons on the remote he said before he murder-suicided his whole family.

Louie [on consumerism being a job]

Louie [on when Afghanistan kids find out about war] They find out. They find out when they ask, "How come Uncle Henry's head is gone now?"

You try to keep your kids safe and if you aren't doing it perfectly then why are you doing it at all? It's like this thing that starts to dawn on you. Like if my kids get in the car with me they have to buckle up. I'm not even starting this car until you buckle your seatbelts. And if we get in a taxi, it's fine. It's okay. Taxis are magic. Nobody dies. Just get in. Just go. I'm not diggin' in the seat for a belt. There's no way I'm blindly diggin' in to the Egyptian hepatitis and severed toes so you can put on your seatbelt. You gotta put on your own mask before helping the others. I'm not going through that. So, my kids get in a cab and they just hurdle through space at a speed determined by a profit motive of an exhausted man from another country where life is shit cheap, where kids die all day and it's boring.

You can't just drift through life and hope that love is going to float into you like plankton into a whale's f*cking mouth.


I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter. I mean, life isn't that long. Eighty some odd years. Buy some shit. Use it. It breaks. Try to fuck somebody. Hope your shits don't hurt too bad. I'm 44 now - you start doing that math. And it's happy math now. Like, when you're in your 20s, you're like, 'how long will my life seem? I hope it's a nice long story and I hope like I feel I didn't die too soon. You get to your forties and you're like, 'I'm almost there, man. Alright! Yeah!

Why are you being such a little pussy about this? He's your
father. It's not like he touched your dick or anything.


Louie: I haven't seen my dad in two years.
Shaved Head Guy: I haven't seen my dad since he died.
Louie: Sorry about that.
Shaved Head Guy: Think about that, you quee-ah.

Doctor: What else is going on?
Louis: I got work and kids. It's hard sometimes. Boilerplate misery. Alone in the world.
Might as well be a maggot sucking a dead cat's face. What's the point... nothing

Jesus, Louie! You got me right in the face!

Jimmy Norton [after Louie throws up]

Jim, why do you have a child's crude drawing of a woman with a scraggly bush sucking a huge cock?

Sarah Silverman

Louie Quotes

That's young nervous penis. When you're 24 and single, your penis is like the young, nervous guy in the World War II movie in the foxhole. Any sound your penis hears, it's like, 'WHAT WAS THAT?!? LET'S GO! LET'S GO LET'S GO! I'm married in my 50s. My penis is relaxed. My penis is sitting in the chair, smoking a pipe, reading the paper. My penis is like Bing Crosby. It hears a noise it's like 'I think I heard a noise, could be a hand, could be a vagina, bub bub bub.


This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and my dad hung himself in front of me, while masturbating.