Hey dude, how do you think I feel? I just wrestled a pitbull for a shit-covered dick.


Josh: What happened?
Bartender: I slipped on your dick, then it flew in the air and I landed on my back and I guess my mouth was open because it fell right in my mouth! And then I spat it out and, well, long story short, it's in the toilet.
Josh: It's in the toilet? Oh man, can you please fish it out for me?

Bartender: [on the phone, looking around] Ah...No, nobody turned in any dicks. Sorry, buddy.
Josh: Ah, OK. Can, can you check the men's room, because I know I had it with me at the urinal.

Bar Chick: [answers phone] What up what up? I'll check the lost and found. [looks in box] Yeah, there's a couple dicks in here.
Josh: Aw great!
Bar Chick: Is it pierced?
Josh: No.
Bar Chick: Does it have prongs?
Josh: What?
Bar Chick: Oh, never mind. That's a cell phone charger. It's not here.

Josh: This is kind of embarrassing, but I lost my dick, so can you just take a look and see if it's there?
Cabbie: I don't see it.
Josh: May, may, maybe it rolled onto the floor...
Cabbie: I see no dicks, my friend.

God it's like Basic Instinct.


Josh: How is it so easy for you to talk to these girls? What's your secret?
Mike: Dude. There's no secret. All you gotta do is find a girl, walk up to her, say hi, do spiral eyes, ask her her name, maybe buy her a drink...

Josh, the only way you're gonna 69 with some flat-chested skanks is if you go to the bar and talk to them.


Mike: Maybe she's in the shower.
Bradley: She's not in the God damned shower! She hated the text! She's never gonna respond!
Mike: Hey, relax my man.
Bradley: We have to save face! We have to pretend we were just kidding!!
Liz: OK. Get him out of here!
Bradley: Text JK! TEXT JK! [someone screams 'Oh my God' while someone else jabs Bradley in the neck with a syringe] Text JK...text jk...

Josh from the traib; what the hell's a traib?! She's gonna think we're crazy!


Bradley: See? Already you failed. You have a comma after Josh and a period after Josh. What's next? Semi colons and footnotes?!
Josh: OK. No punctuation.
Labcoat: No! If you look at the data, you will see women are going nuts for punctuation.
Liz: That is true.
Labcoat: Exclamations points in particular. I would suggest 50!
Bradley: So now we're screaming at her?!

To me the course of action is clear. The text, above all, must be cute. I would deploy an emoji, perhaps a crying waa waa face or a winky kitten.


Man Seeking Woman Season 1 Quotes

Liz: Joshua, want to have a little 'look at yourself' moment?
Josh: No, no.
Liz: Do you go to the gym?
Josh: No.
Liz: Do you have a job?
Josh: I, I, I... I'm a temp.
Liz: OK. Well, how does that sound to a lady?
Josh: If she's a temp she'll like it.

Mike: Here. Wear this.
Josh: What is this?
Mike: Robert Graham contrasting tops. You will crush gash!
Josh: What an awful...! Every gash is somebody's daughter!