Group Leader: Welcome to Alien Abductee Anonymous. Everyone, find a seat.
Man #1: They looked like hot blonde chicks and they were very interested in me -- sexually.
Man #2: They beamed both me and my cow up. For the longest time, just talked to the cow. Like, I think they thought he was in charge.
Woman: They told me they would reveal the secrets of the universe to me.
Man #1: Then they probed me -- anally.
Man #2: Then they probed me. I don't think they ever probed my cow, they seemed to respect him too much.
Woman: And they probed me with incredible knowledge about the meaning of existence...and with an anal probe.
Victor: Oh, actually I'm just here to support my friend.
Stacey: It's okay Victor, it might help.
Victor: Well, my experience began when an alien ingratiated himself into the friend group. He cured my cancer by injecting me with his DNA which caused me to go berserk and try to kill my son. Luckily, my wife shot me in time. I sabotaged the alien ship and he responded by leaping into my body where I lived in a constant state of drowning. While he was in control of my body, he slept with my wife, imprisoned my son, and indirectly forced me to have sex with her. The only way I was finally rid of him was when his energy was torn from my body as I was thrown into an alternate dimension where I was forced to relive childhood abuse over and over again.
Man #1: When you say that he injected you with his DNA, you mean by anal probe right?
Victor: I was never anally probed.

• Permalink: And they probed me with incredible knowledge about the meaning of existence...and with an...
• Added: December 10, 2019

Nico: What's going on?
Gert: Chase just disintegrated my phone in some kind of semi-psychotic jealous rage.
Chase: No! I found this weird feather in the phone and then, look, it just kind of like self-combusted.
Karolina: What's happening?
Nico: Um, Chase blew up Gert's phone.
Chase: Why do you immediately believe her?
Nico: Feminism.

• Permalink: Feminism.
• Added: December 10, 2019