Jay: So you don't think I look like Ben Franklin?
Gloria: Oh yes! That's who it is! The man from the hundred dollar bill. My favorite!

It's obvious mom, you use Halloween as a way to show people you have edge. It's like accountants who buy are Harley.

Alex

Sexy people go crazy too you know. Read a people magazine.

Haley

C'mon Jay this is my farewell tour Trick-or-Treating in the neighborhood, I have to go out strong.

Manny

Claire: Welcome to the insane asylum of from hell!
Phil: That's what it feels like.

People say clothes make the man but that makes no sense. What makes the man is a nice head of hair. Dammit it's like a phantom limb.

Jay

Claire: You gonna put some blood on that? Maybe dangle an eyeball?
Phil: Who hurt you? I'm kidding, I know it's Jay and Dede.

You do this every time. You go as a princess, I have to go as some freak. You're a beauty, I'm the beast. You're Beyonce, I'm...that guy.

Jay [to Gloria]

Cam: It's a bird! It's a plane!
Mitchell: It's super out of breath.
Cam: Happy Halloween to you too.

I'm kind of in a delicate spot stuck between my wife and the guy next door, but I'm pretty sure I can satisfy them both simultaneously.

Phil

Being a realtor man means working on sundays. Like priests and Lesley Stahl.

Phil

Ok keep in mind, I'm not in makeup yet, but do these sandals make my legs look thick? Because I can lower the hem.

Manny

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Cam [giving Lily dating advice]: Definitely compliment his outfit, laugh at his jokes...
Lily: What if they aren't funny?
Cam: Oh honey, the cute ones rarely are. God doesn't give with both hands.