If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your bodies! Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there!

Jess

He's a player. Why would a good looking person ever become a doctor?

Schmidt

A lot of people never graduated high school! Einstein! Bill Gates! Anne Frank! I'm gonna take back that last one.

Schmidt

I feel like I wanna murder someone and also I want soft pretzels.

Jess

I'm worried about Schmidt, he's a Jew in the desert I don't want him to wander.

Winston

Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

So when I do the chicken dance I do it a little differently. Instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. It's more realistic.

Jess

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Schmidt

He smells of strong coffee and going to see a man about a horse.

Nick

Jess: Why do we care about a crescent moon?
Winston: I don't know, but I'm gonna live there some day.

No! I can't call Spencer I haven't talked to him since he cheated on me with that ho! Actually, that's not fair. She might be a really nice ho.

Jess

Let's let Winston turn on his black switch. And let his black light shine.

Schmidt

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

I may be dirty, but I play old.

Ed