I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

My whole life is you.

Schmidt

Jess: Are you okay?
Nick: No, I'm not okay, Jess! I'm not okay! I woke up today, and I wanted to play a friendly game of touch football, then I hurt my back, and I went to your gynecologist, and now I might have cancer!

I want to kill you...because I respect you. I think I understanding hunting!

Nick

Nick: I know where you live!
Jess: And I live where you live!

Melanie Farts, signed five times.

Jess

Why is it always Africa? They have a deep catalogue.

Principal Foster

Sandwiches and sex!? I want that!

Nick

Winston: So that means you're gonna do whatever I say?
Schmidt: I mean as long as it's gangsta...or not. It doesn't have to be.

Human dental dam!

Schmidt

It's like my hearing is what a dog hears.

Jess

Schmidt: I'm gonna have sex tonight. Are you two in?
Winston: Is that the way you wanted to say that?