I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

My whole life is you.

Schmidt

Oh my God! It's like The Wire!

Jess

I don't care if it sounds like a man covered in bells falling down a set of stairs... that are also covered in bells.

Jess

I am so sorry you had to hear about it like this. But can we take a minute to celebrate me? It's like I'm having Indian every night!

Schmidt

Do you remember when you got yourself off to An Inconvenient Truth? Or dressed up as Shia LaBeouf from Wall Street 2? Or said that jazz music was America's greatest mistake?

Jess [to Schmidt]

Jess: Why do we care about a crescent moon?
Winston: I don't know, but I'm gonna live there some day.

I'm like a Hebrew cheetah.

Schmidt

Kim: Does that mean no more sexy Easter bunny?
Schmidt: No sexy Easter bunny.
Kim: What about cinco de Sexy?
Schmidt: No cinco de Sexy.
Kim: And no sexy Martin Luther King?
Schmidt: I can never get the voice. I never felt I had the authority.

Dammit! Been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. It's like a taffy pole on a hot summer's day.

Schmidt

I'm having a party tonight and I can't have him lying on the couch, wiping his tears with deli meat.

Jess

It's good for you! It's corn!

Bob

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

I may be dirty, but I play old.

Ed