I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Schmidt

Schmidt: You like me? You like my personality?
CeCe: I was surprised, too.

Jess: I have to go out tonight, 'cause I'm feeling pretty twirly.
Schmidt: Twirly? Is that like horny?
Jess: I've got the dirty twirlies, Schmitdy!"

I was sabotaged by my baby box, which means I will never trust anything that comes out of it.

Jess

We're just covering our asses, while you're uncovering yours.

Jess

So yeah, I was dating them both at the same time. I'm a mess, I can't sleep, I urinate constantly. I cried the other day listening to a techno song. My tweets have been extremely literal.

Schmidt

Guess what you guys? My shoes are filled with blood!

Jess

I hate doors!

Nick

So I have good news from the doctor--you don't have rabies. You have giardia, and something called "Legionnaires disease."

Nick

Schmidt: Lotus Bear Relax! I can smell it on you right now!
Nick: Stop smelling my hair!
Schmidt: You know how much that stuff cost?
Nick: I didn't use your conditioner!
Schmidt: Why does your hair look so baby soft?!

There's two of you! I thought we were in the middle of a budget crisis!

Schmidt

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

I was sabotaged by my baby box, which means I will never trust anything that comes out of it.

Jess