I don't celebrate Christmas, or as I like to call it, "White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night."

Schmidt

Boobies. Girls with clean hair. Models eating sliders. Bernadette Peters on a high beam. Freshly baked bread.

Winston [teasing Schmidt]

An Indian-Jewish baby? Who wouldn't want that? Think about the bone structure!

Schmidt

Oh my God, there's two of them!

Nick

Jess: I'll raise the money myself! I'll get a ragtag group of kids together. An orphan, a lost soul, a Jewish kid with a keyboard, a little slut who can dance, and one fatso!
Tanya: You already did that Jess. It was the spring musical, and it brought in literally $60.

Holly, he's really happy! He's got a 401K and a six-pack!

Nick

Nick: You never listen to pipe talk.
Jess: Pipe talk is boring.

I'm like a Hebrew cheetah.

Schmidt

Nick: I don't have a vagina.
Patient: You can take mine.
Jess: I heard that, sister.
Patient: True that.

You question my pajamas? You make me question our entire friendship!

Jess

There's a fine line between sexual harassment and something awesome.

Schmidt

Save your groans for Bird Man!

Schmidt

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

I was sabotaged by my baby box, which means I will never trust anything that comes out of it.

Jess