That wasn't a cookie, damn it! That was a piece of his heart.

Winston

• Permalink: That wasn't a cookie, damn it! That was a piece of his heart.
• Added: October 24, 2012

It's your birthday, and you won't even eat cake!

Jess

• Permalink: It's your birthday, and you won't even eat cake!
• Added: October 24, 2012

At least I'm not 23, at least I own a trashcan, at least I can legally rent a car, at least I don't live in a loft with three...at least I live with you guys.

Jess

• Permalink: At least I'm not 23, at least I own a trashcan, at least I can l...
• Added: October 09, 2012

I've never been an inspiration before...I don't like this much responsibility.

Nick

• Permalink: I've never been an inspiration before...I don't like this much r...
• Added: October 09, 2012

Winston: They call me Prank Sinatra!
Nick: No, you call you Prank Sinatra!

• Permalink: They call me Prank Sinatra! No, you call you Prank Sinatra!
• Added: October 09, 2012

If I had a dollar for every person I couldn't hang out with because they hate Schmidt, I'd be rich. Like fill my gas tank up all the way rich.

Nick

• Permalink: If I had a dollar for every person I couldn't hang out with beca...
• Added: October 09, 2012

If you track my trajectory I'm gonna live to a 123 years old. Hello, Robot Sex.

Schmidt

• Permalink: If you track my trajectory I'm gonna live to a 123 years old. He...
• Added: October 09, 2012

I can't let you fluff me. I can't let you work in emotional porn! You have too much to offer.

Jess [to Nick]

• Permalink: I can't let you fluff me. I can't let you work in emotional porn...
• Added: October 02, 2012

This isn't a sex thing, is it? Because I can't build a dresser and pleasure a woman at the same time. I'm not God.

Sam

• Permalink: This isn't a sex thing, is it? Because I can't build a dresser a...
• Added: October 02, 2012

Nick: You can't separate your feelings from sex? So what? You're a girl!
Jess: I deserve to have a shorty on the side!

• Permalink: You can't separate your feelings from sex? So what? You're a gir...
• Added: October 02, 2012

Winston, you've been staring at this girl for 5 minutes. Please tell me you're checking her out, otherwise you're a serial killer, which would explain a lot.

Schmidt

• Permalink: Winston, you've been staring at this girl for 5 minutes. Please ...
• Added: October 02, 2012

Jess: I don't want to kiss and tell, but I ruined my dresser during intercourse. Will you go to Ikea with me?
Nick: Yeah, sure. I'm not doing anything today.

• Permalink: I don't want to kiss and tell, but I ruined my dresser during in...
• Added: October 02, 2012