There's a 30% chance they'll die.

Ben

Leslie: Andy, you remember Shauna Malwae-Tweep from the Pawnee Journal?
Andy: How could I forget? You wrote the article when I fell in the pit and then afterwards had sex with Mark and everyone talked about it.

Chicagooooo! The big apple!

Andy

I had to finish watching Swimfan because it was... on.

April

Honey, he's wearing a costume. He's going as lame.

April

Tom: Come on, Ann, what are we doing? Maxim or Good Housekeeping?
Ann: I'm not sure which one is the insult.

Hey, you’re a doctor. You know stiches get stiches!

Tom

I'm awesome at being humble.

Tom

My problem is I don't know how to tell if we're doing good, because when you play a rock show, it's really easy to know if you're doing great because chicks will flash their boobs at you. When you're up on stage. And you're like, "That musta sounded pretty good." But I can't, if that happens here my eyes will fall out of my head and I'll die.

Andy

Why did it take me so long to realize this? There are no consequences to my actions anymore! No matter what I do nothing bad can happen to me. I am like a white male U.S. senator.

Leslie

It's f*cking milk.

Ron

Right now my gut is telling me we're going to listen to Mariah Carey the whole way home.

Ann

Parks & Rec Quotes

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April

Andy: From now on, we will be using code names. You can address me as
Eagle One. Ann, code name -- Been There, Don That. April is --
Currently Doing That. Donna is -- It Happened Once in a Dream; Chris,
code name -- If I Had To Pick a Dude. Ben is -- Eagle Two.
Ben: Oh thank God.