There isn't a woman alive who doesn't love diamonds. Even the super left wing chicks who saw Blood Diamond and cried. When they get a diamond, they like, "yeah, bitch, get more of them blood diamonds. Make 'em extra bloody."

Tom

I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks. I didn’t actually sell my last car. I just forgot where I parked it. I don’t know who Al Gore is and now I’m afraid to ask.

Andy

Leslie: Red Vines anyone?
Mr. Wyatt: We're a Twizzlers family.

Leslie: If I was sick, could I do this?
Ann: What are you doing?
Leslie: Cartwheels. Am I not doing them?
Ann: No.

Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.

Ron

A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlamazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlamazel of our office.

Ron

Andy: April, you're like an angel with no wings.
April: So like a person?

I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.

Ron

I engaged in sexting, texting, and tex-mexting, which is when you take a picture of your genitals from the restroom of a Chili’s To Go.

Dexhart

Tom: Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal if breakfast cereal.
Donna: I love breakfast cereal.

Andy recently diagnosed himself with what he calls Shoeshine Head. It's when you shine too many shoes and the fumes create a thunderstorm in your brain. Cures include coffee, cheeseburgers and napping on the floor.

April

Donna: Oh my God, you are such a sore loser.
Ron: I am not a sore loser. It’s just that I prefer to win and when I don’t, I get furious.

Parks & Rec Quotes

Ben: Newspaper headline was "Ice Town costs ice clown his town crown."
Leslie: Yuck.
Ben: They were big into rhymes.

Normally, if given the choice between doing something and doing nothing, I'll do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant that nothing got done.

Ron