All beings in the universe are different. My people, for instance, are brilliant. Humans, on the other hand, are so dumb that they think the leading cause of death is heart disease. It's not. It's almond milk. Even the grey aliens won't touch the stuff. Despite their differences, there is one truth that connects all beings -- life doesn't ever go as planned.

Harry [internal]

Yeah, he's sick aight. [to Max] Let me ask you somethin'? You got HBO in your house? Here's what I want you to do. I want you to watch OZ Season 1, then come back and tell me if you want to go to prison. Talkin' 'bout some alien shit. I'm gonna go get me some mo' boxes.

Sheriff Mike

You're in excellent health. Concerning your breath. Did you recently eat a dead rodent?

Harry

Harry: [doing a pelvic exam] OK. I see your problem. You sat on an earring.
Judy: Oh! No.
Harry: Sorry. [back under the drape]
Judy: That's supposed to be here.
Harry: Um, here we go [begins typing on his phone]. Let's just get into this. Mm mm. Oh. Yes. Examining... [holds up the phone, which snaps a photo]. Oops! Ahhh.
Judy: Did you just take a picture?
Harry: It wasn't a selfie. [spins around centers Judy in the photo] It's my first day!

You should be more careful next time. Your parents don't have insurance, so if you get hurt again, they'll probably lose their home and have to live outside on the street.

Harry

Asta: She just found a lump in her breast. This time, why don't you try to be a little more calming?
Harry: I know what I'm doing. [moves to the patient] I see you found a lump in your breast.
Patient: Yes.
Harry: I'm glad that you came in and that you've been so diligent with your health. As you know, self-examination along with appropriate screenings can greatly increase your odds of early detection, so I don't want you to worry. Many women find lumps in their breasts all the time, and most of them are nothing, OK?
Patient: OK.
Harry: Good. Now let's get a look at that tit.

I discovered that the woman does not have cancer. I also learned that tit is not the preferred term for breast.

Harry [internal]

This kid is a menace. He just won't give up. Where was that effort from the humans when we were helping them build Stonehenge? A bunch of idiots just sitting around drinking mead, making us do all the work. Lazy druids.

Harry [internal]

Jay: Miss Twelvetrees wanted me to apologize for calling you a douchebag.
Harry: And I apologize. That your birthmark looks like a bug.
Jay: Douchebag.

This human form is confusing. I am often struck with a sharp emptiness inside me. I eat food, but the emptiness doesn't go away.

Harry

Great. It's a date. I've never gone bowling with a murderer before. It's been a goal.

D'arcy

Abigail: [walking in without knocking] Is it true what I'm hearing? You think someone poisoned my Sam?
Harry: I can't talk to you right now! I am busy with the mayor doing psychological therapy!
Ben: Uh, isn't, isn't this supposed to be private?
Harry: He's telling me he's a man-baby.

Resident Alien Season 1 Episode 2 Quotes

Asta: Well, what you eat is important.
Harry: [laughs] I don't agree with that!
Asta: Oh, no?
Harry: No. There are ten things on here that are going to kill him sooner than eating bad food does.
Asta: Harry!
Patient: No, I want to hear. Sam never mentioned that. Kill me when? Look, I just turned 80. You can give it to me straight. How long do you think I have?
Harry: Do you like Christmas?
Patient: Yes, very much.
Harry: Celebrate it before June.

Yeah, he's sick aight. [to Max] Let me ask you somethin'? You got HBO in your house? Here's what I want you to do. I want you to watch OZ Season 1, then come back and tell me if you want to go to prison. Talkin' 'bout some alien shit. I'm gonna go get me some mo' boxes.

Sheriff Mike