You just can't stand for anybody to have their own opinions about anything, can ya? You tell them how stupid they are all the time, and you get them to question what they believe in their hearts is the right thing to do until they make some enormous mistake that tears America apart, and brings the world to the bring of a nuclear apocalypse.


Roseanne: My little loser.
Darlene: Shut up. I'm not letting you eat that pie.

Darlene: I thought I could buy a huge house that I could hold over your head.
Roseanne: That would have been sweet.

Darlene: You opened my mail?
Roseanne: Yeah. I never stopped.

Don't be mean to your sister. She's an old woman trying to have a baby.

I better go talk to him. I'll wait till he has a couple beers first.

Darlene: Is anyone going to mention she's like fifty?
Becky: I'm forty-three, and I told her I was thirty-three which according to the lady at the MAC counter is my skin age.

You're looking very fit. Apparently all the weight you lost was the good Roseanne.


I've been off the force for years, but I can still taste the adrenalin.


Roseanne: Aunt Jackie thinks every girl should grow up and be President. Even if they're a liar, liar pantsuit on fire.
Jackie: I think we know who's a liar, and who's on fire, Roseanne.

Dan: Spread these around.
Mark: I can't. My nails are still wet.
Dan: Your nails are still wet. You hear that honey? My grandsons nails are wet.
Mark: I like your nail polish, grandpa.
Dan: That's drywall, son.

Jackie: Here's some dressing for the table.
Roseanne: Oh look, Dan, Russian.

Roseanne Quotes

Dan: Candyman's home babe.
Roseanne: Oh, my favorite, drugs! What happened to the rest of our candy?
Dan: Funny story. Our insurance don't cover what it use to so I got the drugs for twice the price.

Roseanne: Dan! Dan!
Dan: What? What happened?
Roseanne: I thought you were dead!
Dan: I'm sleeping! Why does everybody always think I'm dead?
Roseanne: You looked happy. I thought maybe you moved on.