You kind of look like Jesus and Patrick Dempsey had a child and that child grew older and got really sick.


It smells like a moose had sex with a bucket of Chinese food in here.


Divya: I feel useless out here. Is that what it's like to be you?
Evan: Do you treat patients with that bedside manner?

Jill: So how does pizza and a shower sound?
Hank: Like the crust would get soggy.

(to Tucker) Okay, Dude, if you don't trust her [Libby] enough to snoop because you think you're going to find something bad, you don't trust her at all. Which means that the real insult would be to not go through her stuff.


Hank: Okay, um, are you currently on any medication?
Libby: Birth control.
Hank: So it's unlikely you're pregnant.
Libby: Assuming the whole Immaculate Conception deal was just a one-time thing, I'm going to say, yeah, highly unlikely.

Hank: Ok, look, even if she's pregnant it doesn't mean she's cheating on you.
Tucker: Well, it does if we have never slept together.
Hank: Ohh! Yeah, it kinda does.

I'd rather take the heat for being with the right guy than play by the book with the wrong one.


No smoking, no drinking, alone in bed...I'm a disgrace to France.


(Evan receives a text message and tries to relay it to Hank with Jill present in the room)
Evan: It's urgent. Uh, is-may ewberg-nay?
Tucker: Ms. Newparts Newberg?
Hank: Hell of an encryption system.

Hank is more than a doctor. He's family.

Ms. Newberg

Evan: Uh, let me return the favor by dropping some of my lady-knowledge on you.
Tucker: Your 'lady-knowledge'?
Evan: Yeah, knowledge about ladies. Not just stuff ladies know. You know, lady-knowledge. You know, I get around.
Tucker: Without a car?
Evan: Let's not dwell on that, okay? Let's just move past that.

Royal Pains Season 1 Quotes

Yeah, dude. Don't punk the crackberry. She'll light your ass up like a Christmas tree.


Note to self, become a doctor.