Evan: So, why don't you just, uh, drop me at the dealership, do your follow-up call and pick me up on your way back?
Divya: Because that would deprive us of valuable bonding time.
Evan: Okay. Great. Cool. What do you... What would you like to...
Divya: Evan. It's because they're in opposite directions. I was being sarcastic.
Evan: Yeah. Right, yeah. Well, it's hard to tell with your accent sometimes.

Evan: Uh, let me return the favor by dropping some of my lady-knowledge on you.
Tucker: Your 'lady-knowledge'?
Evan: Yeah, knowledge about ladies. Not just stuff ladies know. You know, lady-knowledge. You know, I get around.
Tucker: Without a car?
Evan: Let's not dwell on that, okay? Let's just move past that.

Esperanza: If it gets me on my feet, I'll eat six bags.
Hank: Esperanza, you don't need to do anything but lie there.
Esperanza: You sound like my husband.

Evan: Divya, it's not a situation. It's a wedding. It's-It's two people in love, forcing their friends to dance to We Are Family. You know? It's-It's sac... Wait a minute. Is this an arranged marriage?
Divya: Why?! Why, because I'm Indian?! Why, that's-that's quite an unenlightened stereotype. (off Evan's stare) Yes. It's a strategic marriage.

Evan: If I got bit by a bat, what's gonna happen to me?
Hank: All right. Worst case scenario, you die. Best case scenario, you become immortal.

So do you think I'm gonna turn into, like, a, an old school Bela Lugosi type or maybe, like, a hip, sexy Twilight vampire with like the (puckers lips and makes kissy face) and, like, the cool hair or what?


(to Hank and Evan) Anyway, I am so glad that you both came...'cause I may need you to stand by with a getaway vehicle.


Evan: So that's a long island iced tea.
Amy: House specialty. I make them every day for family cocktail hour.
Evan: Really?
Zoey: Apparently, spirits calm the spirits.

Zoey: Remember when I said I was too afraid to go see a doctor?
Hank: Yeah.
Zoey: If I'd known there was a doctor out there like you, I might've found the courage.

Zoey: You never assumed I was crazy. Gave me the benefit of the doubt. Most people wouldn't have, Hank.
Hank: Yeah, well, more people should be like us. And less people should be like most people.

Zoey: My sister's a little off-center sometimes.
Hank: Oh, I know how you feel. My brother couldn't find the center with a GPS Device.

Evan: Why don't you just summon the apparitions?
Divya: Okay, why are you asking me?
Evan: Because you're Indian. Maybe some of the rituals translate, right?
Divya: Wait a second. You think that Hinduism and Wicca are overlapping ideologies?
Evan: I'm just thinkin' outside the box.
Divya: You're a bloody neanderthal.

Royal Pains Season 1 Quotes

Yeah, dude. Don't punk the crackberry. She'll light your ass up like a Christmas tree.


Note to self, become a doctor.