So do you think I'm gonna turn into, like, a, an old school Bela Lugosi type or maybe, like, a hip, sexy Twilight vampire with like the (puckers lips and makes kissy face) and, like, the cool hair or what?

Evan

Zoey: Remember when I said I was too afraid to go see a doctor?
Hank: Yeah.
Zoey: If I'd known there was a doctor out there like you, I might've found the courage.

Evan: So that's a long island iced tea.
Amy: House specialty. I make them every day for family cocktail hour.
Evan: Really?
Zoey: Apparently, spirits calm the spirits.

(to Hank and Evan) Anyway, I am so glad that you both came...'cause I may need you to stand by with a getaway vehicle.

Divya

Divya: You want to do the spinal tap tonight?
Hank: And that's not all I want to do. There may be only one way to get to the bottom of this immediately.
(Divya and Evan at the same time)
Divya: MRI?
Evan: Exorcism?

(Hank about to meet the people who fired him)
Jill: Just talk to them human being to human being.
Hank: I would, I'm just not sure they are human beings.

Divya: (to Evan) You saw those zeros on that check and lost all ability to think.
Captain Brian: In his defense, it was a lot of zeros.

Divya: Hank, this is Kylie.
Kylie: I'm the disgruntled mistress.
Hank: Hello. Nice to meet you.
Kylie: It's 'cause I didn't go to college and I hate retail.

Gary Pastotnik? That guy is like Satan, only more evil.

Evan

Divya: He's you. Uninterested in anything beneath a woman's surface.
Evan: I try to see beneath their surface. That's why I stare so hard.

Evan: what are you doing tomorrow?
Anna: Uh, it's my first day off. Nothing. I'm sleeping.
Evan: Do it with me. The-- the nothing part. Obviously not-- not the sleeping part.

Evan: My girlfriend?
Anna: The Indian woman who you were with?
Evan: Oh, no. Divya? No. She's, uh...
Anna: You'll make up. You're so cute together.

Royal Pains Season 1 Quotes

Yeah, dude. Don't punk the crackberry. She'll light your ass up like a Christmas tree.

Tucker

Note to self, become a doctor.

Evan