(to Evan) Be quiet. Be professional. Be-have. But mostly be quiet.


Alan Rider: You said your business is discreet?
Evan: Oh, yeah. HankMed invented discretion, man. We're just, you know, too discreet to publicize it.

Divya: People pay to be treated, not coddled. And I don't give a tinker's curse for your marketing drivel.
Evan: I can't debate you if you talk gibberish that sounds kind of like something a chimney sweep from Mary Poppins would say, but you can't cure him unless you win his trust first.

Divya: Will that be sufficient?
Alan Rider: Delightful. On behalf of me and my genitals, thank you.

Zach Kingsley: I can't afford to play Russian roulette with our livelihood.
Hank: Well, you're playing Russian roulette with your life.

Alan Rider: So what are you gonna check for now?
Divya: Epididymitis or testicular orchitis.
Alan Rider: Uh, neither of those sounds any good.
Divya: I don't name them. I just treat them.

Evan: If she [Katie] actually had cojones and you saw them when you treated her, you couldn't even tell me, could you?
Hank: Nope, couldn't. Confidentiality.

Evan: Have you ruled out CD?
Hank: Chronic Duane syndrome?
Evan: Crappy driving.

(to Divya) I do billing. You do 'medicine-y' stuff.


Evan: There you are. You want some eggs?
Hank: No, I don't.
Evan: That's good,'cause I only made enough for me.

Hank: Oh, okay, so you're gonna take credit for everything that happens in my life post-Brooklyn?
Evan: Man, a butterfly flaps its wings.

(Katie earlier referred to Hank as "M.S.G.")
Hank: What's an M.S.G.?
Evan: Medical super god.
Hank: Oh, alright.
Evan: Miniature sex gimp. Mumbling snow gerbil.
(Much later, Evan's still guessing what it means.)
Evan: Macho surfing guru, right? No? Mucus spewing growth.
(Still, much later...)
Evan: Medieval slut gatherer. Man seeking guacamole. Manatee...

Royal Pains Season 1 Quotes

Yeah, dude. Don't punk the crackberry. She'll light your ass up like a Christmas tree.


Note to self, become a doctor.