Walter: I prefer certainty over risk.
Paige: I prefer not to die in a closet.

Russian hotel managers and Collins do not determine if we are a real couple or not. We do.


Good news is I'm getting really good at hogtying people.


I accidentally made Russia declare war on Norway. My bad.


Toby: Happy, what's your status?
Happy: Married, you were there, remember?

Paige: What the heck were you doing?
Walter: I was pleasuring you.
Paige: What husband doesn't know that his wife has a bad shoulder. Now they are going to be suspicious.

What do you do when you lose your one true love?


Sly: Your plan is to pee people out of the pool?
Toby: I'll grab a swimsuit from the laundry, and while I'm getting changed, I'm going to search for how to say, "sorry I had an accident" in Russian.
Happy: Sometimes, I can't believe I said I do.

Cabe: Now hands in! All right, Scorpion on 3. Ready? One!
Toby: Sorry, Collins. Team members only.
Cabe: Two!
Sly: When was the last time everyone washed up?
Cabe: Three!
Walter: We wasted three seconds, let's go.

Happy: I can fly the copter. Pilot's license, remember?
Toby: Oh yeah, last time you flew us somewhere, we crashed.
Happy: P.A.N.N.S. remember? No disparaging of ideas.

Walter: Right now what is our number one problem?
Toby: I'm being forced to work with a man who tried to murder me.

Walter: Sly, come on. Sing about being squeamish and cleanliness.
Sly: Uh, no.
Paige: Walter?
Toby: He's jumping for joy. What a dope...Your eyes look beautiful.

Scorpion Quotes

Take that, you punks.


Sylvester: Are there any monkeys on the base?
Happy: Okay don't embarrass us in front of the marines.
Sylvester: They make me very uncomfortable. They are human like, and yet they still throw their feces.