I promise to do everything I can to make sure that this all ends up okay.

Cassidy [to #3]

Slade: What's the delay in there?
Chanel: He is pausing for dramatic effect!

His password is "I went to Harvard"?

Hoffel [about Dr. Brock Holt]

I'm in love with the Green Meanie, and I don't know what to do about it. I bribed #5 with delicious candy so she wouldn't say anything, but maybe I should just turn him in.

Chanel #3

Chanel #3: I don't think I could make a future with a guy who's actually dead. Am I supposed to raise little half-dead/half-alive children?
Cassidy: I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were prejudiced against dead people.
Chanel #3: Everyone is, I'm just willing to admit it.

I invited Chanel over for a romantic dinner, because I could really use a little sookie-sookie.

Dr. Brock Holt

Good evening, Dr. Hot.


My name is Doctor Number Three.

Chanel #3

I call it the "Blurred Lines" cure. You know like when you heard that song for the first time, and you were like, "I could listen to this song over and over again and never get sick of it." And then months later, you were like, "I'd rather marry Robin Thicke than ever have to listen to this awful song ever again."


Honestly, Brock, I think you're safer putting your penis in a landmine or a woodchipper than having sex with Chanel.

Dean Munsch

Wait, are you announcing employee of the month? Because I think that having a machete driven through half of my body should be counted towards point totals.

Chanel #5

Hoffel was my first husband's name. Howard Hoffel. He died. Cancer, I think -- we weren't close. My maiden name might sound familiar -- Bean. Agatha Bean was my sister. Agatha wasn't smart. I got the brains and the looks, but she was still my only sister. And those Chanels burned her face off and got away with it. Until now.

Nurse Hoffel

Scream Queens Quotes

Attention all useless Kappa Sluts -- Congratulations! If you're reading this, it means you've overcome the limitations of your tiny manatee brains and opened an email. Now if you're asking yourself 'Derrr, wait, I'm confused, is Chanel talking to ME? Am I a useless Kappa slut?' simply ask yourself the following question aloud. 'Is my name Chanel #3, Chanel #5, Chanel #6, or Zayday Williams?' If the answer to that is yes, then felicitations, this missive is for you!


Chanel #5: You have an amazing skill at telling people what they need to hear.
Chanel Oberlin: I'm sorry, did I ask you to pull down my panties and blow a compliment up my butt? Nobody likes a suck-up, Chanel #5.