Scream Queens Season 1 Quotes
Everyone got what they wanted. And even though the Chanels didn't actually kill anyone, they perpetuated the system that created me, my brother, Pete, and Gigi. So if anyone should pay for this, it should be them.
Hester
To our fellow students, we are super sorry that you are dead. We didn't know all of you that well, but some of you were hot. I always wanted to have sex with a deaf girl. Thank you.
Memorial inscription
Sam: I just don't understand how deep the hole is supposed to be.
Chanel: Whore deep! What kind of a question is that?!
You're probably thinking, what kind of a person could drive a six inch stiletto into her own eye socket? A person who did her homework, that's who! First, I had to get an x-ray of my own skull, then I had to calculate the proper length of the heel, the angle of the insertion, with just the right amount of force to slip behind the eyeball without damaging the eye socket. Also it helps to be totally frickin' insane.
Hester
Hi, it's me, Hester. You may have noticed my eyepatch. It's temporary. The advantage of stabbing yourself in the eye with a stiletto heel is that you know just where to jab it in order to miss the important organs, like your optic nerve or your brain. You might have noticed that I'm the only Chanel left. That's because I got away with it. It was a plan twenty years in the making and it worked.
Hester [voiceover]
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go disinvite Jerry Seinfeld from speaking at commencement. He told a joke about a woman once, allegedly.
Dean Munsch
You should go. Any guy swiping right on you is a miracle. So go. Go meet this blind man and when I'm done apologizing to Melanie, I'm gonna call Pope Francis, because we now have proof of God's existence in this universe.
Chanel [to #5]
Attention all useless Kappa Sluts -- Congratulations! If you're reading this, it means you've overcome the limitations of your tiny manatee brains and opened an email. Now if you're asking yourself 'Derrr, wait, I'm confused, is Chanel talking to ME? Am I a useless Kappa slut?' simply ask yourself the following question aloud. 'Is my name Chanel #3, Chanel #5, Chanel #6, or Zayday Williams?' If the answer to that is yes, then felicitations, this missive is for you!
Chanel
Gigi was the planner. The George Clooney in their psycho Ocean's Eleven, but Boone was the muscle. Without him, they could never keep this whole thing going.
Pete
That guy, Roger, was terrible to his brother, did you know that? His whole life. He ripped off Dodger's left nipple in utero!
Pete
Here's what I think. When I was your age, I was thoughtless about sex. So thoughtless that I fathered twins with a girl whose name I can't remember. And those twins grew up to murder a bunch of people. Now I know that that might seem like an extreme consequence of teen sex, but the lesson remains the same.
Wes
Grace: We understand that as millennial feminists --
Dean Munsch: Wait, wait a minute. That's a thing?
Grace: Oh yeah!
Chanel: Totally. Being a millennial feminist means growing up listening to Taylor Swift say she doesn't like to think of the world as boys vs. girls.
Grace: Yeah and then graduating and entering the workforce only to realize that you make 20% less than men for doing the same job.
