Carla: I got my period. This really sucks. I've been trying to get pregnant for two months now.
J.D.: I almost bought a baby yesterday.
Carla: What?
J.D.'s narration: Don't tell them in case you want it later.
J.D.: Nothing.

Don't mean to bother anybody. I'm just showing nurse Martinez here around the hospital. That's our chief of medicine, that is a patient, and that is you in twenty years. Okay, let's go look at dead people.


Turk: Every time you date a girl with actual potential, you wind up ruining it over some trivial reason. Let's think about some of the great girls you let slip through your fingers. Kylie, Jamie, Gift Shop Girl, Minnie McSkinny, Mole Butt, Tina Two Kids, Rumple Fugley... I'm forgetting someone.
Carla's narration: Oh my God Turk, if you forget Elliot, she's gonna cry.
Carla: Turk, aren't you forgetting the greatest girl of them all?
Turk:Heidi Horse Face!
Elliot: Me, Turk. She is talking about me. Okay?
J.D.: Relax, Elliot. You're Mole Butt.
Elliot: Really? Sorry, Turk.

Carla: That nurse makes me feel so old.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, calm down, nurse Espinosa. I have it on good authority that she's a dude.
Carla: I made that stuff up.
Dr. Kelso: Then it's time for her to meet Bob Kelso, licensed hetero.

Turk: Look Julie, I'm very protective of J.D., so it's going to take a lot for you to win me over.
Julie: Ah, J.D. wanted me to introduce you to my godfather.
Billy Dee Williams: Hey, Julie's a great girl.
Turk: (in excited high pitched voice) Ahh-hah-hah! Lando Calrissian! Come here.
Billy Dee Williams: (laughs) You can call me Billy Dee.
Turk: Yes Lando, yes.

Mr. Morgan: You're a cute couple.
J.D.: Thanks.
Mr. Morgan: Wanna buy a baby?!
J.D.: Ooh sweety?
Julie: No.
J.D.: I'm sorry, no thank you.

(Jordan is staring at the new hot gynecologist walking down the hall)
Dr. Cox: Jordan, why would you need seven pap smears in one month?
Jordan: I got a lot of pap. Move your head so I can see.
(She shoves his head out of the way)

Turk: If you've found someone who makes you happy by just sitting around and holding hands, then eventually all that other stuff won't matter.
Turk puts his hand on J.D.'s shoulder and J.D. holds it and moans
Turk: Dude, not me.
J.D.: I know.

Turk: Let's think about some of the great girls you let slip through your fingers. Kylie, Jamie, Gift Shop Girl, Mini McSkinny, Mole Butt, Tina Two-Kids, Rumple Fugly...I'm forgetting someone...
Carla's narration: Oh my god Turk, if you forget Elliot she's going to cry.
Carla: Turk, aren't you forgetting the greatest girl of them all? (Discretely gesturing at a dejected Elliot)
Turk: (Snaps) Heidi Horseface!
Elliot: Me! Turk, she is talking about me, ok!?
J.D.: Relax, Elliot, you're Mole Butt.
Elliot: Really? (Becomes happy) Sorry Turk.

Turk: So, when am I gonna get to meet Julie?
J.D.: Do I want her to meet Turk this soon? What if he doesn't like her?
Turk: What are you doing?
J.D.: I'm saying all my thoughts out loud so that I don't mess this relationship up.
Turk: I don't understand.
J.D.: I forgot, sometimes Turk is slow. You know what? It's time for her to meet the people in my life. I think she's going to do great .

Turk: She's not a guy, honey. Besides, "Young Carla" is a compliment.
Carla: Really? Well, how would you feel if I said, "Hey, it's 'Skinny Turk'?"
Carla's Narration: And now his boyfriend will comfort him.
J.D.: Don't listen to her, Brown Bear. Your body's fierce.
Turk: Is it?
J.D.: Like Taye Diggs.
Turk: Taye Diggs.

J.D.: You know what's interesting Turk? She's not saying "that's so sad". She's actually crying.
Turk: You're an idiot.
J.D.: Yes I am.

Scrubs Season 4 Episode 5 Quotes

Dr. Cox: Oh look what we have here. It's a visual representation of how alcohol affects different ages. We have the young.
Julie: (Perfectly fine) Morning!
Dr. Cox: The slightly older.
Elliot: (Her head in her hands) Please stop talking.
Dr. Cox: The slightly older still.
Carla: (Her head also in her hands and mumbles something)
Dr. Cox: And last the very, very, very old. (Jordan's sitting with sunglasses on and her arms crosses) She is unconscious and virtually unwakeable. Witness. (Shakes her) Jordaroo! Jordalicious! Jordaroni!

(Talking to a girl while she's drunk) So Carol, do you like jazz? Yeah? How much?