Dr. Cox: Here's the deal. I have been coerced by the forces of evil into conducting rounds this morning. So in order to make this a more palatable experence for mwah, I am not going to call you by your names, instead I'll be refering to you by whatever distinguishing physical characteristic occurs to me first. Okay...you, chicken beak. What causes pneumonia presenting with diarrhea?
"Chicken Beak": Legionella.
Dr. Cox: Nice job! It turns out your mind is as sharp as your nose. Wow! And you, dye-job, what are the elements of Whipple's Triad?
Elliot: Ah... I can't remember. I am so sorry.
Dr. Cox: What in the hell are you sorry about?
Elliot: Well its just that Doctor Kelso always yells at us when we don't know the answer...
Dr. Cox: Oh children, you can't let that bloated bag of hate effect you like that, and besides being a doctor is as much about finding the answers as it is about knowing them. For instance, take Clarabell's patient over here, Mr. Yeager. Now we have no idea what in the hell is wrong with him, so we have run tests for everything from meningitis to intracranial mass and according to these results... Oh everything seems to have come back negative, which doesn't necessarily mean that Clarabell is a failure, it doesn't. It just means that she's got to keep trying no matter how frusterated she just might get

Dr. Cox: How'd you drop the on it this time, and don't tell me you cried or I'm gonna have you banned from the men's room again.
J.D.: I was just so excited about what we were doing here last night, I just forgot all about our date.
Dr. Cox: You didn't forget, you kept looking at your watch, I saw you. I just naturally assumed you were just afraid of missing Judging Amy. It never occured to me that you were choosing work over being with that sweet little biscuit you stupid pissant.
J.D.: You know that means a lot coming from you mister, right here with me two hours after his shift also and last Monday night too... guy.
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: You heard me.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, what are you sayin'? That you wanna be like me? Understand that I just barely wanna be like me

Dr. Cox: Newbie, do you happen to know what a zebra is?
J.D.: That patient just mocked me!
Dr. Cox: It's a diagnosis of a ridiculously obscure disease when it's much more likely that the patient has a common illness presenting with uncommon symptoms, in other words, if you hear hoof beats, you just go ahead and think horsies and not zebras, mkay mister silly bear?

J.D.'s narration: Oh, man, she's beautiful. I wish I was that piece of bacon. Wait a second. I am that piece of bacon!
J.D.: Hell yeah!
Janitor: You mind not staring at me while I'm eating? I hate it.
J.D.: But, I'm not, I was...
Janitor: What am I doing right now?
J.D.: Eating.
Janitor: What are you doing?
J.D.: Staring...
Janitor: Okay. There. Now no one gets to eat it! Ya happy?

Like, even when our dates get interrupted, we can just have a date here. Yeah, like, let's say for instance you wanted to watch a movie -- we could just go to the conference room and watch that video on S.T.D.s. It's funny, and it makes you think!


Turk: Okay, it's true, I have never said "I love you" to a woman before.
Todd: Well, then, how do you get them to sleep with you?

Dr. Kelso: Ted. I need you to take care of some lawyer crap for me, and it would be a great help if you would go to traffic court for me and make this go away.
Ted: I...don't think so.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Ted: No, Bob. I have my own things I need to take care of.
Dr. Kelso: Of course. Of course...
Ted: Walk off, bitch.
Dr. Cox: How is it, exactly, that you just said that and your pants are still dry?
Ted: Don't you understand what you did when you spoke to those interns? You took away the fear. You...are a wonderful person. And...I love you

Alex: Look maybe it would be good if we actually had a date that...ends.
J.D.: Well how does a date with you end?
Alex: It can range from "a kiss at the door" to "all I have for breakfast is yogurt and I'm all out of bowls, so you'll have to eat off my stomach."

J.D.'s narration: Okay, so you just asked out a girl who's stuck in an M.R.I. machine without ever seeing her face... Remember, no matter what she looks like, be sure to play it cool.
[MRI machine pulls out revealing Alex]
J.D.: Yes! YES! YES! You are hot! Smokin' hot! In your face! Woo hoo!

Dr. Cox: Wow. I'd actually never thought of that.
J.D.: Hell, yeah.
Dr. Cox: Were you aware that the only documented cases of Kuru were members of a cannibalistic tribe in eastern Papua New Guinea?
J.D.: I was not.
Mr. Yeager: Actually, Doc, I was in New Guinea just last week.
J.D.: Really?

Elliot: What's wrong?
Carla: It's personal.
Elliot: Why won't you ever open up to me? I came to you when I thought I had a broken tailbone and it was just a really bad pimple!
Carla: It's a sex thing, okay?
Elliot: You mean like a gender issue or like intercourse? Because I'm book-smart on both!

Turk: So, last night, when I was with Carla...
J.D.: Dude, I'm sorry - I can't talk right now. I really gotta figure this Mr. Yeager thing out.
Turk: Cool. Cool.
J.D.: Okay.
Turk: Let's just say my horse didn't finish the race. I mean, I'm at the filling station but my credit card gets declined. I'm on the jet ski-
J.D.: I got it!
Turk: Good, 'cause I had no idea what I was gonna say after that one.
J.D.: No, no, no. Mr. Yeager!
Turk: Hey, man, where you go-? Who am I gonna talk to about sex?
Todd: Let's get our talk on. Player to player

Scrubs Season 1 Episode 13 Quotes

Elliot: Listen, Carla, I can't even pretend that I can give you tips on intercourse...
Carla: I got one for you - stop calling it that.
Elliot: My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a basic fear of intimacy. But I just think it's just because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous. Oh, and since I was a little kid, I've always had nightmares about being crushed.
Carla: That poor shrink

Turk: Baby, there's nothing that could scare me away.
Carla: Ever since we said "I love you" to each other, I've been feeling all this pressure, and wondering about the future - our future. Like, are we gonna get married? Are we gonna have kids? If so, how many, and when will I get my figure back? Should I keep working? Where're we gonna live? Is my mother gonna live with us? How big a house do we need? How many bathrooms? What if my mother walks in on you while you're in the bathroom, you slip and fall, and I can't afford the funeral costs?
Turk: Okay, that's a little scary