Dr. Cox: Oh gosh, I guess, I became a doctor because ever since I was a little boy I just wanted to help people. I don't tell this story very often but I remember when I was seven-years old I one time I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest so I picked him up and brought him home and made him a house out of an empty shoebox and hahaha oh my God... Oh... I became a doctor for the same four reasons everybody does: chicks, money power and chicks. But since HMOs have made it virtually impossible to make any real money which directly affects the number of chicks who come sniffin' around and don't ask me what tree they're barkin' up because they're sure as hell not pissin' on mine and as far as power goes, well here I am during my free time letting some thirteen-year old psychology fellow who couldn't cut it in real medicine ask me question about my personal life. So here's the inside scoop there pumpkin, why don't you go head and tell me all about power

And bam!! The shines off the apple. And thats when you find out that that pretty little girl you married isn't a pretty little girl at all. No, she's a man eater. And I'm not talking about the "whoa here she comes" kind of man eater, I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dish towel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. But of course, I may have tormented her from time to time, but honest to God that's what I thought marriage was all about, so much so that by the end of that relationship, I honestly don't know who I hated more...her or me. I used to sit around and wonder why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other like we were. And there it turns out the answer's pretty simple. They weren't unhappy, we were

Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, won't they, and then they finally do and they're happy forever -- gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced, anyway. And I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, 'cause I do...believe in it. Bottom line...is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they don't let it take 'em down

When I was seven years old, the only things that I loved were my ColecoVision and Sandi Lowe. Now, Sandi was as fine as a seven year old could be; I mean, she had the body of a nine-year-old. And I pretty much joined the t-ball team because she was on it. I mean, I didn't really care that much about sports. But, uh, during the first game, I got all caught up, you know? And...fell in love with competing; and so, through high school and college, I pretty much played everything, because I needed to compete - it was my drug. I think that's why I became a surgeon, too, because, every day, you get to step up to the table and go one-on-one against what's-ever wrong with the patient. And if you're really good at it, you win most of the time... I ran into Sandi Lowe last Christmas, and she didn't look so good. You know? And that was kinda awkward, 'cause, well, I look like this


Enid has always understood how much my career meant to me. She knows I'm an important man in my field, and it helps her get on all those little boards of things her friends are on... you know, like, uh, bringing art to the underprivileged kids in the community, blah blah blah. When I first met her, uh, she wanted to be a psychiatrist, but, uh...we both decided that that wasn't a fitting profession for a family woman - no offense, sweetheart. I know she's grateful. She likes to joke that I "choked the last breath of life out of her long ago, now she's just a shell of a woman." I think that's so cute; I call her "shelly"! You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard she cries a little

Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Are you following me?
Todd: No. You wanna go out some time?
Elliot: With you?
Todd: Me and a bottle of Jägermeister.
Elliot: No. No, Todd, I don't. But I don't want you to think it's because I just broke up with someone, or that I'm a lesbian, or because I want to preserve our friendship. It's because I find you so creepy, I think you should walk around with a bell around your neck.
Todd: All I heard was "lesbian"

Carla: When I was a little girl, my mom used to have what she liked to call "episodes." Episodes is a flattering term for this thing where she'd sweat a lot and... well, let's just say, her stomach talked. Anyway, this one time, we were at the supermarket and she actually passed out. And, out of nowhere, this fancy-looking guy comes forward and tells everyone to "step aside!" to give my mother some air. And everyone did! You have to understand: in my family, nobody ever listens to a word anybody else says; even screaming at the top of our lungs... nothing. So, when this man said, "step aside" and everyone did, I asked my aunt, "Who is this guy?" And she said he was a doctor. And I thought, "Wow.... I want to be a doctor, too." (pause) But, when I lost my first tooth, and nobody left hundred-and-eighty-thousand dollars under my pillow for med school, I decided to become a nurse

When the Kelsonoviches settled in Monroeville, P.A., there were two steel mills, three bars, not a doctor in sight. Then, my old man set up a shingle and started delivering babies and stitching up three-fingered steel men by the wagon-load. Everybody loved him. When they couldn't come up with the cash, he would always gladly accept a handmade sweater or a bushel of turnips.... Jackass

Dr. Kelso

Elliot: We-we really shouldn't feel weird about this. I mean, these things like this happen all the time.
J.D.: All the time!
Elliot: Yeah, it's, uh, it's really not a big deal.
J.D.: It's not a big deal!
Elliot: Okay, you've gotta stop repeating everything I say in that weird tone of voice.
J.D.: No more repeating

J.D.: We are really good at having sex. We should, like, take this show on the road.
Elliot: Oh, don't joke. My mom would come sit in the front row and tell me I'd look prettier if I smiled more

Elliot: How did that last time even start?
J.D.: I don't even remember. I just know I went to the door, and when I came back, you said I looked sexy holding a pizza.
Elliot: Oooh, you did

J.D.: And you know what, excuse me for not being afraid to show people around here how I feel about you.
Elliot: You just want the guys to know you're getting some!
J.D.: Not just the guys

Scrubs Season 1 Episode 15 Quotes

Things that wouldn't have bothered you a week ago in a friendship become so incredibly important when sex is involved. I just...I think it'd be easier if you weren't friends with your girlfriend... At all


J.D.: I can't believe today's over.
Elliot: I can't believe I ate half a pizza.
J.D.: Oh please, Elliot, I had, like, two pieces.
Elliot: If you tell anyone anything about today, please leave that part out