Scrubs Season 1 Episode 3: "My Best Friend's Mistake" Quotes
Elliot: On the one hand, I know Dr. Kelso doesn't mean anything by it. And, okay, maybe I am kind of a sweetheart...
Dr. Cox: I'm sleeping.
Elliot: On the other hand, it just sounds so demeaning! You know?
Dr. Cox: Mother of God, you're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you.
Elliot: I mean, it's not like he's my grandpa or anything. Anyway, J.D. always tells me how you've helped him out...
Dr. Cox: Well, he obviously hasn't told you about my ear-flicking policy, has he. Look! This whole "groovy guidance counselor" thing you people seem to have working is a total fantasy. I'm not that guy, you can go and ask anybody. Now, you've got to leave me alone, or I'll punish you
Ted: Legally, there's a huge difference. When you stitch a patient, wind up sewing a sheet to him, that's an accident. When he tries getting up, the whole gurney collapses, breaking his front teeth, that's a lawsuit. Say it with me: Accident. Lawsuit.
Laverne: I've seen this before. Gauze, sponges...some young surgeon left something in this man.
J.D.: Noo. No. I know the guy that closed, he'd never be that careless.
Turk: 'Kay, uh... Excuse me, sorry; has anyone seen my keys? No? Okay, how about my wallet? Anyone?
Elliot: Our shifts keep overlapping on Friday nights.
J.D.: It's the closest thing I've had to a date, recently.
Elliot: Well, I had a great time tonight.
J.D.: Oh, yeah, me too. So... can I page you?
Elliot: You better. And don't do the whole two-day waiting thing.
J.D.: Oh, baby, I don't play by the rules
Dr. Cox: Look, this guy's gonna need 40 MAQ's of KCL; and go ahead and grab me when you get the results.
J.D.: You got it.
Dr. Cox: Oh, and his TV is broken, so, when you two do start tagging each other, least you can do is wake him up and let him watch.
J.D.: So, nothing was going on last night between me and Elliot.
Dr. Cox: Good thing you still have your flower then
J.D.: I'm just a little lonely, you know; I guess 'cause I haven't really been hanging out with Turk since he's been dating Carla.
Dr. Cox: First of all, who's Turk? And don't answer. Look, if you have a medical question for me, I'm forced by hospital policy to answer you. However, if you ask me about a personal problem, I'm going to start doing this. [flicks J.D.'s ear]
Elliot: It's that, it's the sweetheart thing. It just doesn't hit me right. I'm a doctor, and it seems sort of...disrespectful.
Dr. Kelso: Oh? I've always called the young men "sport" and the young women "sweetheart".
Elliot: But, you called Becky "sport".
Dr. Kelso: Oh...well, I am so sorry...sport. It must be one of those bad habits I've developed after working in the medical field for over thirty years.
Elliot: Th-thirty years? But... you look so young!
J.D.: Have you seen Turk?
Carla: Not since this morning.
J.D.: Well, I'm sure you'll end up seeing him before I do, so...
Carla: Bambi? Are you giving me attitude?
J.D.: What if I am?
Carla: Sweetie, you have to be a minority sidekick in a bad movie to pull that off. You know what I'm talking about, right?
Laverne: Oh, child, please! You speak the truth!
Carla: Explain it to this man, please.
Laverne: First, you do the head, then you do the finger, then you talk through the nose...and then you give a lot of attitude. That's how it works. But if you're not from there, you don't understand, so I'm not gonna even 'axe' you-
J.D.: Okay, I'm gonna leave now.
Carla: What? Oh, no you didn't! Where' you going? Where' you going!?
J.D.: Hi, how are ya? I have a quick legal question. What if, hypothetically-
Ted: Oh, God, you killed somebody!
Ted: Someone else did!
J.D.: No, no; no one killed anyone.
Ted: Maimed, mutilated, disfigured...let's not split hairs
Elliot: The first few weeks here have been so hard for me, mentally, physically, emotionally. It's like math camp all over again. Not that I've ever been to math camp - it's just an expression.
J.D.: I use it all the time
Dr. Wen: Look, I've been attending for three years here. What makes you think you know better?
Turk: In my gut I know I'm right.
Dr. Wen: We need this decision now.
Turk: Fine, then it's on you.
Dr. Wen: Yes, it is. Nurse. Erasure.
Nurse: Yes, doctor.
["A Little Respect" by Erasure starts playing]
Patient: I hate this song.
Turk: Me too, man. Me too